Somethings gotta give

There is always something, isn’t there? I was in a good place these last few weeks, both H and I were. And then another bomb.

It was Saturday morning. We were hanging out in bed with baby. H decided to go make us breakfast. I went to change baby, and accidentally tripped over H’s phone cord that was connected to his phone. Then I decided to look through his phone… for no real reason… I wasn’t suspecting anything.

But there it was…

I found, in his notes, a letter to the other woman. I read bits and pieces, but was too pissed. It sounded like a final “goodbye” and also a sad “hopefully I can get over it”, but it was definitely a response to a letter he found from her, as the note explained that he found it in his coat pocket that he had left at work.

So I confronted him about it. I said “so, do you love her?”

He looked at me confused and then I showed him the phone. And he got pissed. He stormed around, asking why I hadn’t held up my end of the promise we made that when I wanted to go through his phone, I’d ask him and we would go through it together. I told him I didn’t know, that I honestly thought I’d find nothing, but just wanted to look, to ease my mind of any worry.
I told him it wasn’t okay for him to be mad, that finding this makes me feel that everything has been a huge lie. I asked him why she was writing to him, and why he was writing to her and I asked if it were truly over.
He said that she must have written it a week or more before he found it and just hid it in his coat pocket. He said he found it right after coming back from having his wisdom teeth pulled, which was over a month, almost 2 months ago. He said that he didn’t understand why she was writing him, and that what it said, summed up, was that it was over, that she wanted to focus on her husband and she didn’t want work to be awkward.
So I asked, why was she saying it was over now, when you said you officially ended it the day I found out in November? He said he had no idea and that there had been no communication since that day.
So then my next question… why were you writing out this long, almost sad-its-over-cant-understand-what-I-want letter to her?
He said he never sent it to her, and he never intended to. He said it was just words he wrote out to get them out of his head. He said it’s not how he feels anymore, and that he doesn’t even know if he really felt them when he wrote them over a month ago.
How do I trust him? How can I believe what he says? There is so much withholding information from me, so much secrecy.
The whole day I was so sad. To top it off, our furnace went out so the house was freezing. Fortunately that meant we left the house which really helped.
When we came home, I started making dinner, while having a drink. I needed to take my mind off things. We ate, and I had another drink. We were all huddled by the fire to get warm and fall asleep, but I couldnt. I just kept crying, I was so sad. The words will never stop burning holes in my soul. I will truly never be the same after this affair. I was feeling like I could go back to normal, but just knowing my husband had strong feelings for another woman is so fucking mind fucking. It’s fucked me up.
On Sunday I woke up trying to have a positive outlook. I did okay, but H knew I was sad. He kept reassuring me that they were just words and didn’t mean anything. He said that he hasn’t even thought about her for a long time now other than when I’ve brought her up.
I told him I was hurting and that it’s just so messed up, that everything is so messed up. I told him that he is so lucky to have me. I have stood by him and I have built him up over the past 3 months, and that most women would have mentally destroyed him. I told him that I wasn’t okay that he had those feeling and still continued to tell me how much he loved me and how he wanted to make things work. He again said that he didn’t even think it’s how he felt. He said he just needed to write things down to get things out of his head.

I don’t understand any of it. I write what I’m feeling. I don’t understand how he didn’t have those feelings if he were writing them down? I don’t know, and I’m sure I never will.

I understand people in an affair need I me to get over the other person, but Fuck. I just want to NEVER think of this again, never think of HER again.

It just makes me feel that I’m not enough for my husband. And the super fucked up part of all this is that he will only ever know the cute, sweet, perfect side of her, the side she became after months of him confiding in her as a friend. She became what he wanted,  and he still doesn’t understand that, I’m sure. He didn’t have to go through the hard shit with her. When he sees me, he sees all the stress, the pain, the hard times, and he some times let’s them overshadow all the good we have had. And there has been so much good.

I’m not suicidal, by any means, but part of me see’s the reason people commit it. I mean seriously, my mind hasn’t had a rest in 4 months. I’m anxious, I’m sad, I’m stressed, I’m depressed, I’m just too many things to keep going on like this anymore.

Somethings gotta give, right?

I know H is making all the changes. I know he is becoming a better man, but I need him to get rid of her for good. From his mind, from his workplace. I can’t keep living like this knowing he is only feet away from her every day.

I’m not sure I’m cut out for this bullshit. Can I go back to my perfect bubble life?

by the way…just as I went closing up this blog, H texted me saying:

“Hey! I love you! Thanks for all of your help! You’re the best! And thanks for being such a good mom and wife! I really admire everything you do for our family❤”

I suppose I can keep moving forward. God I love that man… 💔