I’ve had some feedback on my posts that I shouldn’t trust what H is saying, I shouldn’t trust what he has told me, and that I should watch my back. Here is my response.
First off, I have questioned H, I have fact checked, time checked, and stalked everything possible. And what I’ve come up with is very little. The affair lasted about 2-3 months, was mostly an innapropriate friendship until things got heated after she confessed her feelings for him. I caught them very soon after.
Yes, my husband had an emotional affair, which is seriously fucked up. Yes, he hurt me and tore my heart out of my chest. Yes, he is a fucking retard. But also, he is my husband and the father of my child.
Secondly, in my opinion, what does not trusting do for me?
If he IS honest and I DON’T trust, than I’m getting nowhere, and if he ISN’T honest and I DON’T trust, I am still getting nowhere. And if I DO trust and he ISN’T being honest, we are still getting nowhere, just as if I didn’t trust him.
However, if I DO trust and he IS being honest, that is forward motion. So, the only option, in my head is the trust and hope he is being honest.
I am no stranger to heartbreak. If I trust and he isn’t being honest, then bye. I’m out. I know I’ll catch him. But I have to hold on to the hope he is being honest and faithful.
If we betrayed’s don’t think positive, if we don’t try to constantly be in forward motion, what good have we done in our marriages? Absolutely none. We can’t sit still, we can’t hold on to things, as hard as it is. And trust me, I’m still not to the point of letting things go.
What I’m saying is, if we are trying to fix our marriage, but still getting mad about the same shit, we aren’t actually fixing our marriages.
And believe me, I am far from over it. As much as I sometimes try to fool myself I am, I am SO far from being over this painful situation. But the difference between my way, and the way that many other betrayed’s take, is that I am trying to find constant forward motion in my life and in my marriage. If I find something, I address it (sometimes by screaming and throwing tantrums, which my therapist says I need to stop 🙄 what does he know, anyway?), and then I try to move forward with H.
I know my way isn’t for everyone. But I’m not going to be mad the rest of my life, I won’t let it happen because it’s not healthy for my life, for my baby’s life or for my marriage. And, if in the end, forward motion is saying goodbye to H, I suppose I’ll cross that bridge. But at the moment I can’t fathom a life without him. And I won’t try to until it’s the only way.
So, to all of my readers out there laughing at how naive I must sound to trust what H is saying as true, even after finding things I was never told about…tell me, what good is it to not trust he is being honest? Because in my opinion it does nothing for me. I’m prepared for anything that life throws at me, but I’m also prepared to open my heart to forgiveness, to trust to love and to happiness.
Can you say the same?