The little things

Last night while H and I were in bed, after a very normal night together, he informed me that he had a meeting, so he would have to stay at work late. I know he doesn’t contact the woman anymore, and I know it was never physical, so why did this make me feel…. anxious?!
I didn’t say anything, but he obviously sensed that I was feeling slightly worried, and asked what was wrong. I told him that it makes me feel uncomfortable, but that I believe him that he had a meeting. He apologized. I told him he didn’t have to apologize about having to work. He then said ” I’m not sorry that I have to go to the meeting, I’m sorry that I’ve caused you to have to feel this way.”
The rest of the time we spent in bed watching TV and talking, I Just felt off. And so didn’t H. And that made me worry even more. I think he was acting off because he feels guilty, but I hate when he gets quiet like that.
I hate when I get weird, and I hate what it does to our night. But it’s hard to not let little things get to me at times. I’m only human and my life isn’t necessarily easy. But I just wish I could find trust again like I used to have.
The meeting ended up being cancelled… so all the anxiety was for nothing!
One thing I am enjoying that H does, is getting a phone call from him every day on his way home. and if he had to work part day at one location, and then drives to the next location, he will call me on that drive too! It’s the little things!

On another note, H’s business trip got moved another 3 weeks… which makes it so he will be gone on our wedding anniversary… it breaks my heart a little. I still want to celebrate things with him. I think making dates like an anniversary important… is important. He offered to fly me out, so hopefully that can happen… we will see. Why does he have to go on business trips?! The last time he went on one is when I found out (officially) about the affair. FUCK that place. ๐Ÿ˜” I hate the place and I hate the memories of him being there.
I’m not going to let myself go to that dark place though! I can’t, or else I’m afraid I’ll never come out.
I just have to think of the bright side… atleast he will be with us a few more weeks. And atleast there will be no chance of the OW being there, since it’ll be during her due date. Thank.fucking.god.
And now for my venting: I hope she has the worst delivery, that she tears so bad she won’t ever be the same and that she can’t walk right for months. And if that doesn’t happen, I hope she has a horrible c-section that makes her stomach flabby for the rest of her life.
I don’t know why I felt the need to vent. I don’t let myself think about her much anymore. And when I do its just a feeling of indifference. I feel bad for how pathetic her life must be. Idk, maybe I do it just because I can and secretly wish she could read my blogs about her. Who knows. What I do know is that she no longer ruins my day. And that, in itself, is huge progress.
This week has been okay. Not the greatest week, but certainly not too bad. Sometimes things come in waves. Every day is progress, even if it’s not a great day. I feel like I learn more about myself and H and our relationship. I find things I need to work on, and things that I do that work really well.

This week baby rolled over for the first time! Well…. apparently she did last week for my mom, but I didn’t see it. She’s done it several times now, and in front of H last night. It was such a sweet moment for the 3 of us. H and I were so proud. In some ways i feel we are becoming a normal family again. I love it.

Sorry, I had to brag about our little sweetie… I’m such a mom! ๐Ÿ™„


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