Somethings gotta give

There is always something, isn’t there? I was in a good place these last few weeks, both H and I were. And then another bomb.

It was Saturday morning. We were hanging out in bed with baby. H decided to go make us breakfast. I went to change baby, and accidentally tripped over H’s phone cord that was connected to his phone. Then I decided to look through his phone… for no real reason… I wasn’t suspecting anything.

But there it was…

I found, in his notes, a letter to the other woman. I read bits and pieces, but was too pissed. It sounded like a final “goodbye” and also a sad “hopefully I can get over it”, but it was definitely a response to a letter he found from her, as the note explained that he found it in his coat pocket that he had left at work.

So I confronted him about it. I said “so, do you love her?”

He looked at me confused and then I showed him the phone. And he got pissed. He stormed around, asking why I hadn’t held up my end of the promise we made that when I wanted to go through his phone, I’d ask him and we would go through it together. I told him I didn’t know, that I honestly thought I’d find nothing, but just wanted to look, to ease my mind of any worry.
I told him it wasn’t okay for him to be mad, that finding this makes me feel that everything has been a huge lie. I asked him why she was writing to him, and why he was writing to her and I asked if it were truly over.
He said that she must have written it a week or more before he found it and just hid it in his coat pocket. He said he found it right after coming back from having his wisdom teeth pulled, which was over a month, almost 2 months ago. He said that he didn’t understand why she was writing him, and that what it said, summed up, was that it was over, that she wanted to focus on her husband and she didn’t want work to be awkward.
So I asked, why was she saying it was over now, when you said you officially ended it the day I found out in November? He said he had no idea and that there had been no communication since that day.
So then my next question… why were you writing out this long, almost sad-its-over-cant-understand-what-I-want letter to her?
He said he never sent it to her, and he never intended to. He said it was just words he wrote out to get them out of his head. He said it’s not how he feels anymore, and that he doesn’t even know if he really felt them when he wrote them over a month ago.
How do I trust him? How can I believe what he says? There is so much withholding information from me, so much secrecy.
The whole day I was so sad. To top it off, our furnace went out so the house was freezing. Fortunately that meant we left the house which really helped.
When we came home, I started making dinner, while having a drink. I needed to take my mind off things. We ate, and I had another drink. We were all huddled by the fire to get warm and fall asleep, but I couldnt. I just kept crying, I was so sad. The words will never stop burning holes in my soul. I will truly never be the same after this affair. I was feeling like I could go back to normal, but just knowing my husband had strong feelings for another woman is so fucking mind fucking. It’s fucked me up.
On Sunday I woke up trying to have a positive outlook. I did okay, but H knew I was sad. He kept reassuring me that they were just words and didn’t mean anything. He said that he hasn’t even thought about her for a long time now other than when I’ve brought her up.
I told him I was hurting and that it’s just so messed up, that everything is so messed up. I told him that he is so lucky to have me. I have stood by him and I have built him up over the past 3 months, and that most women would have mentally destroyed him. I told him that I wasn’t okay that he had those feeling and still continued to tell me how much he loved me and how he wanted to make things work. He again said that he didn’t even think it’s how he felt. He said he just needed to write things down to get things out of his head.

I don’t understand any of it. I write what I’m feeling. I don’t understand how he didn’t have those feelings if he were writing them down? I don’t know, and I’m sure I never will.

I understand people in an affair need I me to get over the other person, but Fuck. I just want to NEVER think of this again, never think of HER again.

It just makes me feel that I’m not enough for my husband. And the super fucked up part of all this is that he will only ever know the cute, sweet, perfect side of her, the side she became after months of him confiding in her as a friend. She became what he wanted,  and he still doesn’t understand that, I’m sure. He didn’t have to go through the hard shit with her. When he sees me, he sees all the stress, the pain, the hard times, and he some times let’s them overshadow all the good we have had. And there has been so much good.

I’m not suicidal, by any means, but part of me see’s the reason people commit it. I mean seriously, my mind hasn’t had a rest in 4 months. I’m anxious, I’m sad, I’m stressed, I’m depressed, I’m just too many things to keep going on like this anymore.

Somethings gotta give, right?

I know H is making all the changes. I know he is becoming a better man, but I need him to get rid of her for good. From his mind, from his workplace. I can’t keep living like this knowing he is only feet away from her every day.

I’m not sure I’m cut out for this bullshit. Can I go back to my perfect bubble life?

by the way…just as I went closing up this blog, H texted me saying:

“Hey! I love you! Thanks for all of your help! You’re the best! And thanks for being such a good mom and wife! I really admire everything you do for our family❤”

I suppose I can keep moving forward. God I love that man… 💔

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13 thoughts on “Somethings gotta give

  1. Have you thought about putting a tracker on his phone?.. – unbeknownst to him. Just for a little while – to ease your mind and to be 100% positive his contact with his whore is over… It truly does help. My husband had no idea but I saw all his activity for about 6 months. Just until I felt comfortable with his actions matching his words, ya know. After about 6 months (give or take a lil) I took it off his phone. Now, I barely check his phone – maybe once every few months…just saying…might help ya

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    1. Honestly I just don’t have it in me anymore. And he would know… so that would be a huge setback. I’m just going to trust he is honest, but I won’t let my guards down. That’s just the shitty reality I have to live.

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      1. I think there is a point where if I had had an affair and devastated my spouse, I would find it completely understandable that they would want to check up on me, so I would allow them to do that. After all it would have been me that caused that insecurity, so I couldn’t get angry with them for having it. By not allowing yourself to be insecure in case he gets upset, you are having to suppress how you really feel. By not feeling you are allowed to check, that makes doubts go over and over in your mind more.

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      2. I completely agree. And I have brought this up with our therapist. What he said was basically we all have a limit to where we can feel empathy, and once we feel threatened, empathy stops and we start trying to defend outselves. My therapist thinks I am bringing him to that level very quickly, which in turn makes him defend himself even more.
        I’m not saying it’s okay, I’m just saying it’s human nature. It’s sucks, but it’s my reality. We are both working on ourselves and our reactions so it doesn’t happen, but things take time.
        But in the meantime it DOES make me more suspicious, and it DOES make healing hard to do.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh. That is. Im sorry. I think he is dripping with alternate facts like Kellyanne Conway. I think he likes situational truths. He doesn’t love her… When your marriage is on the line and you are half out the door. But he loves her, when she blows up his ego and makes sure he knows how important he is, even in that she has to say goodbye and risk her marriage with that note. I would ask to see the note. Or I would check his weird pile of papers in his sock drawer or mail pile etc. Because it probably still exists. If he is lying to you about the existence of it… If he is writing her about the hurt of not being involved. .. How can you believe that he was honest about physical stuff. I would get yourself tested.

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    1. I appreciate the advice, but I don’t think you could understand, given that we are 2 different people going through 2 different scenarios.
      I’m confident it was strictly emotional. And honestly I think emotional is more haunting than physical. Emotional affairs are much deeper. They take longer to get over, in my opinion because you have opened up your heart to another, and not just your pants.
      My husband doesnt have a great sex drive, and said that that is the reason he think he got involved in the first place, because there was no pressure for sex. I believe this completely.
      It’s hard for anyone not in my situation to understand why I believe this. But I do.
      I will say that I knew he was having an affair before I officially found out, and probably knew about it when it first started happening. I didn’t catch him at first because I was super pregnant and too exhausted and heart broken to care. I know my husband very well. I have been able to read him very well.
      There is some with holding info, but even our therapist says he recommends it… which is slightly annoying to me. So I can only.hope he was just not telling me because the therapist thought it best, but who knows.
      Thanks for the concerns and best of luck. ❤

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      1. You’re probably right. I guess from all my studying of affairs I’ve found that most people find emotional affairs harder to get over. That’s all I’m saying. But like I said, you’re probably right, they are probably equally as damaging.

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      2. My husbands sex drive is not high either but it did not stop him from having a physical and emotional relationship with his married co worker. It just meant that they only had sex a handful of times. He finally confessed the affair the end of October after do much damming ingo even though i confronted him about it in July when it started. I too am struggling with his feelings towards her as he has gone back to her twice since dd.

        Good luck

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  3. I can tell you this much, life does not return to that bubble.

    I am slightly beyond a year past D-day, and my brain has been fucked up for the last two days. Things would keep “dawning” on you.

    Ok, another thing…I was reading the past few posts…and I really have this hunch that your husband’s relationship was not purely emotional and platonic with the OW. I am sorry for saying this to you, but I would rather speak up what crosses my mind than to keep mum on it. But it is still quite possible that my hunch is just a hunch and not reality.

    That letter he composed but did not send (apparently)? HE wrote it. HE wrote every single thing on it. So, even if he says that he never meant what HE wrote, do not buy that agreement. He never meant for you to find the note out. Plus, he wants to break away from the OW, but on a pleasant note. These cheaters have a delicate sense of keeping everyone happy.

    Please take care of yourself. Have you visited Chump Lady? I don’t say that you follow what they mean about what a chump needs to do, but there are pretty good articles that would clear up a few things….

    Liked by 1 person

  4. My husband spent 4 years in a gradually intensifying emotional affair before I finally found out. Every bit of safety, security, and trust I had in my husband and in my 26-year marriage was shattered in a matter of minutes. The heartache was, and in many ways still is, almost impossible to put into words. In excess of 3000 emails exchanged between my husband and the OW, along with gifts, phone calls, texts, dinners, love spats, and promises to each other…all hidden from me under a heavy cloak of lies. On many levels, I will never be the same again.
    Now, 2 years after discovery, we are still married. I could have left, I could have given up. It would have been easy to do, especially as the ups and downs of one revelation after another occurred. I told him I would let him go if that is what he wanted. I never begged him to stay. He chose to stay, he begged to stay, and honestly, my behavior has not made it easy for him.
    My advice to you, for what it is worth, is to go slow. Give yourself and your marriage time, and listen to your heart. The steps along the way to recovery will likely not be easy, but if it is what you want, it will be worth it.

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    1. Thank you ❤
      SO sorry to hear you’ve gone through this nightmare as well. It’s a pretty shitty life to lead. But I wholeheartedly believe my husband is worth working hard for. I have to keep the hope, or what good is all this work I’m putting in?
      Best of luck to you and your husband. I hope you’ve found peace of mind❤

      Like

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