What if

I found myself thinking about the future. What caused me to think about it is unknown. A word, an image, I just don’t know. Anyhow, I thought of the pain I went through during dday, and the ever present sting it still causes me. I considered the possibility that some time I  the future and wondered if H and I would look back on this whole experience and laugh.

Me: *laughing* “remember that one time you had a crush on that coworker?”

H: *rolling eyes playfully* “unfortunately I do, let’s not talk about it anymore, what a mistake!”

And we go along our day as if non of this ever happened. Because at the end of the tunnel, there has to be a glimmer of hope that we won’t always be so pained. I found myself really being sold on that. I found myself really kind of laughing at everything that’s happened, and how ridiculous it was. Maybe I’m moving to quickly, maybe I’m on the path that best suits me…

But I laughed at the absurdity of this affair. I LAUGHED. And not the psychotic, pissed, I’m going to kill you laugh. I laughed a ‘what a small bump in the road’ laugh.

Today marks 6 days (okay 5) of H being gone. He is supposed to come back next sunday, but he may be gone until the following tuesday… stupid work. Regardless, what is 2 days after 2 weeks?

This morning I sent him a playful picture of me. I used to joke around when he asked me to send him a picyure, and I would send him one of me brushing my teeth. He messaged back laughing, but playfully scolding me. I then sent him a picture of my butt, and from there, things escalated. He and I were sexting and sending pictures back and forth all day, and tonight we had phone sex.

I didn’t think it would trigger me like it did, but i found myself (for a very quick second) wondering if he said any of the thing he said to me, to her. I don’t think it ever got that far, I mean…. he send a shirtless picture, and she sent one of herself I  a sweatshirt with underwear on… But you had to really look to see. He also admitted in therapy that they never spoke like that. I believe him, but pictures like that are sent because they are requested (usually). Either eay, it was a quick trigger and it went away (because I’m learning how to fight them).

I have to just know and choose to overlook and forget the type of things H and bitchfacewhore Aria spoke about. For me and for my marriage. So, that’s where I’m at.

 

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