The woman you could never be

Sometimes in the middle of all the bad, all the scary, all the heartbreaking things we are going through, it’s nice to look at all the good.

I’ve been triggering a lot lately. Like, a lot. Since H just left this morning to the place he went the day I found out, my d day, I have had a hard time just preparing myself for it. Needless to say, I have a lot of anxiety. It’s hard for me to be okay and to feel safe.

So, after dropping him off at the airport, he texted me several times with sweet words. And then, out of the blue, after his first flight, I got a very long, very sweet message. It was reassuring and made me feel okay.

In the message, H basically said how much he loves me, how much he appreciates everything I do, how he feels honored that he can call me his wife, that he is a better person because of me and that I make him feel good about himself. He said that he appreciates the way I can make him feel good about himself even after all that’s happened.

The message was unsolicited. He didn’t have to write me anything. But he did because he knows it was what I needed.

Since I’m alone for once, and I feel the need to write an unread letter to aria, I’m just going to do it and get the thoughts out there.

So here goes

Aria,

I want you to know a few things about me. I am a daughter, I am a mother and I am a wife. As a daughter, I am constantly showing my appreciation for how much my parents did for me, and the opportunities they laid out for me. As a mother, I give all I can to show my daughter what loves is so she never questions if she is loved. And, as a wife, I give every piece of me, so that my husband never has to wonder where my heart is. I love with all i have, and i would do anything for my peoole. What I’m saying is I’m a good person. I have made mistakes, but at the end of each day I can sleep at night knowing I am good.

But you threatened who I am.

You erupted a fire in me that I never though possible.

For a while I became a person I didn’t recognize. I became angry, and vengeful! I wished such awful things on you.

And then I realized I am better than that. I am better than you.

I took back who I am and I grew. I grew into a better version of who I was. But I won’t give you the credit. I won’t give anyone but myself the credit. I dug so deep inside myself to find the most empathetic, passionate and graceful person I could muster up, and I brought it to the surface. You are so fortunate.

I hated you. I hated everything about you. But now I can’t say that. I can honestly say that I just potty you and your life. What a tragic life you must lead to feel inclined to try and steal another’s.

But you never could steal it, because first you would have had to push me out of it.

To push me out, you had to take my husband’s love from me, but you couldn’t. He gave you infatuation. You made him feel heard and you stroked his ego, and he gave you a few pictures, a few empty words so he could continue to get his ego stroked. But you never had him. Not once.

You must feel so empty inside. I get it, I felt empty too. But to be on the other end of an affair and to start an affair yourself, knowing how awful and painful it would be, you must not have much of a conscious. And I couldn’t care less.

I took my husband back. I shook some sense into him, and he realized how stupid he had been, how insane he was to have even given you a second of his time.

If you could only see, Aria, the way he looks at me, the way he touches me, and the things he says to me,  you would know you never stood a chance. You were a step in the wrong direction. A step on the VERY beaten path. And he realizes that, and hates that he took that step.

I will never be okay with you. I will never respect you. But I will acknowledge your existence, and if ever we cross paths, I will look at you with pity because to me all you are is a face in the crowd. You will look at me, most likely with fear, and realize it takes a real woman to do what I have done, to go through what I have gone through and come out on top.

But just so you know, I won’t find Grace if you ever try coming back into our lives. So be warned, and beware.

If I could give you advice, id tell you to find who you really  are and be it. Stop looking for other people’s assurances. Just be happy with you. Stop looking in all the wrong places for love. Go to your husband and try to reconnect and recommit. You’ll never be happy in a relationship if you know you haven’t really tried to resolve your problems. If in the end you can’t resolve the issues you have with your husband, divorce him. Be who you are, ALONE, for a little while to figure out what you want and need. And when and if the times comes that you are ready for love, look for it with someone who isn’t taken. Whatever you do, just be a decent human. It isnt that hard.

Sincerely,

The woman you could never be

 

Well. There it is. Everything i would say to her if i wished to (but i dont). The things i think she should hear  (but won’t).

“Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.” -unknown

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “The woman you could never be

  1. Nicely written! Mine was much more harsh and was actually sent and I don’t regret it one bit. Glad you and your husband are on the path to healing. It’s a tough road but worth it.

    Like

      1. I wrote mine not long after dday so my anger was pretty fresh. I now pity her as well. I still hate her venomously though. It’s just who I am. I guess we all heal and deal with infidelity different.

        Like

      2. Shorty after dday I wrote the “I hate you” blog. That was written out of anger and hate. You’re very right about healing differently.
        Did you delete your blog? I’m trying to recall your back story and it won’t let me go to your blog.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I didn’t delete it. Someone else was having trouble accessing it awhile back too.
        Foreverchanged2014.wordpress.com

        Like

      4. Oh good, that link worked!
        I don’t know how I didn’t remember your blog name! I’m such an airhead sometimes. How are you and your husband doing?

        Like

      5. We are doing fine I suppose. “Business as usual” is what I like to say. Our marriage is practically the same except for the humongous elephant in the room that will never go away. He does treat me better and doesn’t put me down to make himself feel better. He doesn’t make me feel like crap when I’m not working as much. (Even though I feel like that about myself ) I do everything under the sun to make his life easy so he only has to focus on work. We don’t ever talk about the affair even though I feel I could feel better if I got out what I need to say when I’m triggered or just sad. I don’t want to burden him since he has so much going on at work. It’s ridiculous to me that we are literally back to “business as usual ” after he almost destroyed us. This is my life. UGH.

        Like

      6. We went a period of time just dusting it under the rug, but there comes a time that you can’t hold it in any longer. I came to that point pretty quickly. I’m not one to sit quiet. Honestly when I started talking, he started really trying to listen and empathize with me. Maybe try and find a peaceful time and just bring up the way you are feeling. And don’t talk down to him, don’t place blame or judgement, just be honest with where you are at emotionally! You need to focus on you and stop worrying about burdening him!

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s