Last night I wished that the lightning would strike me, and take my memories away.
I was in the car with my daughter, and I prayed to god to wash my memories away. I begged him. I also begged him to Spare my daughter from any harm.
Who am i? Who is this person that wishes this kind of thing on themselves? Certainly not me….
Honestly I just need to talk about it. I just need to clear my mind and work through my thoughts and feelings.
The anxiety that I have is due to a stupid freaking dream. Not only the dream, but the way the dream made me feel. I was SO sad I the dream. I basically couldn’t function when H left me. Waking up having experienced all that makes me feel so anxious. But I need to realize it is just a dream.
When I get anxious like this, I can’t see the good in ANY situation. So last night when H came home and we had a good time, I only see the one time he got quiet, or the one time he took a little longer in the bathroom. I don’t see the jokes we shared, and I forget that we went out on the front porch and watched the thunder and lightning together, while he hugged me.
I need to stop this as soon as possible. It’s going on day 2, and I’m still feeling it. I worry that he isn’t texting me enough, and maybe that means he is done. I worry that last night his route home took him through the town she lives in. I need to look at the good stuff.
I need to see that he keeps talking about getting us a family pool plan, and getting us a hot tub. Or that he invited a friend from work (a female 🙄… But he is also friends with her almost husband) over to our bbq this weekend because he really wants her to meet me, and wants me to meet her (he thinks her and I could be best friends). I need to remember that next weekend we are going to Vegas together and that a month after that we are going to Alaska together. I need to remember that we are going to counseling and workingon our marriage, together.
My mind is dangerous when I’m in these bouts of anxiety. I get so sad about my lot in life. I feel sorry for myself and my situation. When I get like this I’m not only hurting myself, but my chances of making my marriage work and making it better than before. I need to be more mindful of my anxiety, and fight it off the second it flares up. It just makes me feel like shit.
I’m going to make myself a promise, right now, that I am going to make this anxiety go away. I can’t stand the tightness in my chest and the sadness that envelopes every part of my mind. It isn’t worth it. I’m going to think of all the good in my life, and all the good that’s come of this shitty situation and I’m going to grow as a person.
It takes a lot of pushing. Pushing myself to think of something else, pushing myself to smile, pushing myself to move and have fun. And that’s what I’m going to do. Because screw anxiety. Screw sadness and screw self pitty. I choose happiness. I choose excitement. I choose to live a full life. And damn it, that’s what I’m going to do, starting RIGHT NOW.