We are in the process of getting our rental house ready to sell. We have to get a few thing fixed up in order to sell it, so I’ve been on the phone trying to make appointments to get quotes for that. I’m also trying to get ready for next weekend’s vacation. On top of that we have therapy tonight, and I just altogether feel exhausted.
I just got my second period since getting pregnant(so it’s been like 1.5 years) and it’s just as miserable as I remember it. I’m crampy, tired, cranky and just want to sit around and eat chocolate.
But I am going to vegas, so I can’t gain any weight! Why are periods so awful!?
I feel that in times of pressure, where H and I have stuff to get done and not much time to do it, we do so well together. When we put our heads together, I feel that we are unstoppable. We just work well together. Not that we don’t work well together any other time, it’s just nice that instead of butting head’s, we are able to communicate very effectively to get stuff done. We have always been that way.
Well, since I didn’t finish blogging yesterday, I’ll go into our therapy session last night.
It was good in a way, but kind of left H and I with thay “elephant in the room” when we got home.
So the therapist wanted us to choose a topic that we argue about. We couldn’t think of much until H brought up my hate for him always being on his phone. While we talk about this, we must not preach or talk down to one another, we must talk about it as 2 separate people and try to have some kind of understanding of the others situation.
So basically you go back and forth, me saying “what I see” when he is on his phone, and then him reciprocating what he heard from that. Then me saying “what I think “, and then him repeating what he got from what I said. The last one is “how I feel” when he is on his phone. Oh and just an FYI, we kept this scenario to before the affair, as we are still trying to keep things low-key.
What I said was basically said was that when I see him on his phone, I see that what he is doing and looking at is very unimportant, and that he seems to be more entertained by mindlessly scrolling through the same thing on his phone than engaging with me (or others). I felt very unimportant, since he was on his phone playing games or reading the same tweets all night, and that it hurts because I enjoy hanging out and talking with him, and since we are at work all day, I would like the time after work to be our family time. I told him that he is making me feel that I don’t matter, and that my feelings don’t matter. I also explained to him that it hurts because I have asked him to limit the time on his phone, and he hasn’t done that.
H’s demeanor changed at one point, and the therapist thought it was because he was feeling attacked, and we pulled back. The therapist basically said at one point I flipped from having a conversation, to preaching to him, which I Totally did.
H did pretty good at reciprocating what I was saying, but he definitely didn’t quite see exactly how I felt. He kept saying that I probably would feel the same way if we had just spent a bunch of time together. Which isn’t true, to a point. I mean if we just hung out all day, had a super good time and were just going to hang out at home afterwards, of course id be okay if he went on his phone. But what I DON’T feel is okay or fair is the AMOUNT of time he will spend on it. It’s not just “I’m going to use my phone for an hour and put it away”. It’s a “I’m going to have my phone glued to my hand for the rest of the night, sometimes I don’t look at it, but there is always the option, and I probably will spend most of the night on it”, which is the problem to me.
If we were to have a rule that said “phones turned off by 6:30pm”, and he used his phone until that point, and then put it away except for important phone calls or texts, I would be so happy. That would give him 4 hours after work of phone time, and that is 2 hours of time after I get home that id be fine with. It’s just that, in all reality, his phone is an attachment of himself.
Again, today is another day. As promised, this will take multiple days. I’m just so busy!
Last night the talk of cell phones stopped being such an elephant I the room, however H basically didn’t even take his phone out. I know it’s because of therapy. I want it to be because he wants to, not because he think he has to. But, either way, it is what it is.
We have a lot going on with the house we are selling. We have hired a landscaper, but we are going to have to paint the front steps and door to give it more curb appeal. We also have to hire someone to stage it. It’s all coming together. It’ll be on the market by the 18th.
Last night I had a dream that H was leaving me for the OW. I barely slept because of it. I was going to tell him about it, but thought better of it. Now today in just kind of in a funk. H has been slammed at work because a bunch of people are out (including the OW who is on maternity leave), so we haven’t talked much today. We usually keep an open line of communication during the day. He knows it makes me feel better. But today it’s very sporadic… Which is fine, just a bad day to have a day like this, after that dream.
H has to work late today, which is a slight trigger for me, even though during the affair, he didn’t once worked late. It’s just something that makes me stress. Working “late” means 3 or 4 in the afternoon instead of 2, so it’s not even late. Layoffs are happening soon, and sometimes I find myself hoping he gets laid off. It would be a weight off my shoulders. And of course the OW won’t get laid off, since she just had a baby and could probably sue them and day it’s because she was on maternity leave. FML. H definitely won’t get fired, he is too good at what he does and is the only one in his group that knows how to do his statement of work. So, basically there is just no way around H being near Aria at some point. And since we don’t talk about her, I don’t know when that will be, or if she has already come back.
I don’t talk enough, sometimes, about how much H has improved. He really has. He is so great to me. He does so much for our family. He is our main provider, and on top of that, does so much of the random tasks we have. He is really amazing.
Yesterday I had to go pick my car up from the shop. I had to first grab some food for H, who was at our other house dealing with all the people giving us quotes for the work that needs to be done. Then I had to run home, feed baby and then rush to the shop. I noticed I was stressing about stupid things. Like where I was going to park the rental car, who I was going to talk to and what I was going to say if they did the normal car shop “everything needs to be fixed and it’ll be a million domlars” thing. In the end it was fine and there was nothing to stress about, but the fact that dumb things like that cause me stress. I feel good that I can realize that now and try to stop it from happening.
I have no idea what this blog is about. Just the ramblings of woman who is too busy to have one continuous thought. That’s my life.