Oh my god.
I was just pumping (because I’m goo g on a weekend getaway, baby free this weekend! Woohoo!) and messing around on my phone when i realized it’s been exactly 5 months since d-day. Almost half a year.
Half a mother fucking year
Nearly half a year of my life wasted away?
No… I can’t say it’s been an awful 5 months.
I am the mother to the most beautiful 7 month old daughter. Motherhood has been the most exciting, challenging, fun, easy and fulfilling things I’ve ever done.
In a way I feel as though I’ve cheated this insane 5 months.
Yes, they have been hell. They have reeked havoc on my mental health. I have been tested in my strength as a woman, a human and a wife.
I have come to realize that I am much more gracious than I ever knew, and ever gave myself credit for.
I am mentally stronger than ive ever been. Not only because what I’ve had to overcome, but because I have finally found help.
I am still trying to find self worth and self esteem. I am working on that every day. And H helps build them in me as well.
But when I look back years from now on these last 5 months, I hope that I only think about the joy I’ve felt from being a mom. I seriously can’t put into words how much my daughter has SAVED my life.
There have been moments I thought self harm wasn’t such a bad idea, but then my daughter smiled at me.
There were times I thought of running away and starting over, but then my daughter cried because she was hungry and NEEDED me.
There were times I thought of just hiding in my room, never getting out of bed and sulking in my own misery, but then I realized I had a daughter to take care of.
Thank you, my precious girl, for being mine, and for being you. YOU are perfect.
Then I start to think about how much I wish to protect her from this cruel world. From men that will hurt her heart and make her feel small. But I cant, and it breaks my heart. I just hope that I can make her strong so she can come out a better person in those situations. I just hope I make her feel so much self worth, I hope I can make her feel so beautiful, smart, funny and PERFECT in her own imperfect way.
But also, I realize that H isn’t so bad, afterall.
I realize that he did something so hurtful and cruel, he allowed his heart to wander, but he came back to me.
I realized that H needed more than what I was giving, and that I could either give up or become what he needed. And vice versa.
I realized that H loves me, and that he was hurting as much as I was because of his actions, just in different ways.
I realize that he ALSO saved me, even though he is the one who was hurting me.
I realize that people CAN change and people CAN love again.
I realized that I need to be more self fulfilling. I need to be happy with myself and love myself before anyone else could.
H is working on himself. He is changing and talking LARGE steps in the right direction. I appreciate that so much.
Wow. 5 months of a total shitstorm and i still look back and see so much joy. So much sadness…. but SO MUCH JOY.
Well it’s an hour passed my bedtime. I just had to share. I’ll post more thoughts tomorrow on the subject if i have enought time… baby is cutting a tooth i think 😭