As I rock my baby to sleep with the moana Pandora station on because, well, she’s obsessed, I continue to count my blessings.
People say motherhood is so hard, and it absolutely is, but it’s also so easy. There is no love like this. I find it so easy to wake up at 4 am and not stop until 9pm. It was my calling and I love it.
This morning I woke up in a panic because we leave tomorrow AM and I haven’t done a single thing to get ready. So I got up, nursed baby, sat her in her walker with a cracker(so I could shower I peace) while I showered. Then I put my hair up in a bun and put a hat on to cover up my make upless face and got to it. I had to make babies food and put it in her pouches. Then I had to pack my clothes, her clothes and gather all the things she will need for the weekend with grammy and grandpa. Doing this while baby is screaming because you are making food that she wants RIGHT NOW! So I fed her while doing all of this. I walked away for a second and the food was ALL OVER EVERYTHING. So then I had to clean her as well as the entire high chair.
I cleaned baby got her dressed and ran out the door to work. Now I’m thinking how much I have to do tonight. Our dog sitter will be staying over the weekend and the house looks like a bomb went off. So now when I get home I have feed baby, nurse her before I run out the door to therapy until 7. When I get home H should have put baby to sleep. Then we have to make sure our house looks like people don’t inhabit it because I’m crazy and don’t want people to see my mess. Then the last minute packing. Holy shit today is going to be insane.
But right now, on my short break, I’m rocking my whole world to sleep. She is my (Not so) calm to this storm.
I have to pinch myself sometimes. Looking at her brings me so much peace. She makes me feel so good about myself, because as much as I need her, she also needs me. I’m not kidding… Motherhood is the most amazing journey I’ve ever been on. If nothing else good happens in my life, I have her and that’s all I’ll ever need.
That being said, I’m SO EXCITED for a weekend away with H! It’s our first extended time away from baby, and it’s going to be a ton of fun. We are going to crab and wine fest in Oregon and we will also be traveling to a few places around seaside Oregon.
I think this weekend will be a really relaxing and recharging weekend for H and I. We need to be able to spend time together, just us (though 2 of our friends are coming). H and I laugh all the time, we enjoy almost every second we are together, but vacations always seem to bring out more happiness and excitement in us. We are a very adventurous couple, and our last vacation was before baby came. So this is going to be great.
So last night H made a clear initiation for sex. Sometimes I feel like he is reading my blog. Every time I write something I wish he would do, he almost always does. So, if you are reading this, my love, I’d like some new summer clothes! 😂 I’ll keep you all updated on wether or not that happens! Hahaha
Okay so back to the initiation…. So we are messing around, and as usual he wanted a BJ. So no problem. But every time I give him one (since d-day) he asks me the same question: “how(sometimes when) did you get so good at that?” Uhhhhhh well idk how to answer that. I want to say that I just started listening more to what he wanted and I just did it, but sometimes I feel like I’m being questioned, like “how did you learn that?” And I feel like he thinks I cheated on him. I don’t think he thinks that, but that’s how it’s making me feel. So i definately need to just amswer it, instesd of ignore it, so he stops asking. But the honest truth is that I just started listening more to what he was asking me to do, and I did it. Simple as that.
So therapy tonight I’m going to ask how to handle all the flashbacks, the triggers and then see if the name desensitization is something he thinks is a good idea. I just need to figure how to not think about it so much. Even when I’m not TRYING to, and even sometimes when I’m super busy, my mind will go there. I seriously think PTSD is the only thing you can truly compare this to.
One day at a time.