Old habits die hard

I have this huge character flaw that I’ve talked so much about. And I have tried so many times to fix it, and sometimes I succeed, but other times I revert back to it and hate myself in the process.

It’s not news to any of you that I have a high sex drive. IF I could have sex every night, I probably would. Though now that I’ve typed it out, that seems a little much. Maybe not EVERY night. Oh god….

So anyway, I have this awful habit of not saying what I want to H. When I’m in the mood and he doesn’t initiate, I will wait it out until he can see a change in my attitude. Why does not having sex after a couple days change my attitude? I hate it!

H and I go through the same thing over and over. He asks what’s wrong,  I say nothing, he knows I’m lying and gets frustrated and then we go back and forth until I realize what I’m doing is damaging and that telling him “im horny” is a better option then him getting upset and thinking I’m a liar. (Not that he has any room to judge if I am).

So once I’ve decided to say the two words I sometimes dread saying, we ALWAYS end up having really good sex…. And we could have probably avoided the awkward 20 minutes of going back and forth, and had the same good sex if I would have just come out and said it right away. Why am I like this??

I know H knows why my attitude changes. So I asked him why he makes me spell it out every time, instead of helping me out and Making me  feel a little less awkward. He said “maybe I like hearing you say it out loud.”

Okay… I get that. I like hearing those words from him too. So now here’s the challenge for me… sometimes he just isn’t in the mood and when he isn’t, I feel as though I’ve been rejected. And there is the problem. It always goes back to the feeling of rejection when I’m most vulnerable… (you know… me walking to the bed naked and trying to get his attention… THAT vulnerable).

I told him last night that this usually happens to me when I’ve been trying to catch his attention for a couple nights in a row and it doesn’t work. I told him I start to feel unnoticed by him. He told me that he had been trying to catch MY attention the last couple nights too…. it all boils down to both of us wanting the other person to come out and say it out loud, or better yet just take what we want.

So why are we having such a hard time doing it?!

For me it is the fear of rejection and feeling wrong for wanting sex as often as I do.

For H? I think it’s simply that he can go with or without it, so he doesn’t try super hard because it’s just not something he NEEDS at the moment.

I need to get over my fears. IF I were to just tell him what I want, I’m sure he would be happy to do it, and it would cut out the 20 minutes of me being an idiot and H getting frustrated.

Change is so hard. Breaking yourself of a habit is not easy, and it can be defeating when, after months if trying, you still sometimes revert back to it.

I’m not saying this happens all the time. It doesn’t, and I THINK it’s happening less and less (I THINK) but it’s so frustrating when it happens. I know exactly how to keep it from happening. 2 simple words, or a simple action, and sometimes I JUST CAN’T DO IT.

One step at a time, I guess. I’m trying to make a permanent change in myself. I’m trying to make myself realize that saying what’s on my mind, or telling H what I want, is not wrong or embarrasing.

But can i, for one quick second, talk about how blind H is to me coming on to him? I do everything short of grabbing his man parts and he still doesn’t get it! It certainly doesn’t make my situation any easier!
Men are so frustrating sometimes!

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6 thoughts on “Old habits die hard

  1. My husband pretended to be blind to it as a manipulation. Seriously. … Wandering around with the raised eyebrow naked is a big light. What about a passive code he could send so you know its a hard no: like… He turns the cup on your counter right side up if hes open and when its facedown he is ready for bedtime. In turn he needs to do a better job of knowing when you’re downright randy. I would say wandering in the buff was a clear sign but I don’t know your household rules on naked Thursday. So maybe its a necklace that you wear that is your way of saying “I want to play but I would like you to woo me.” because then it could be a little playful?

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    1. If only the cup tactic would work… however H is of the mindset that sex is something that should just happen, and not in ANY WAY be planned. He is a hard one to crack… that man. I feel that in trying to make him feel better about our sex life, he had to be the one to innatiate, but now, months later and him feeling very content with our sex life, he is reverting back to wanting me to initiate. And he DOES initiate, just not in obvious ways most of the time (to him, touching my ass while I’m brushing my teeth is initiation 🙄). Who knows. I’m just going to try and grow some balls and just take what I want! And then I need some serious therapy for my fear of rejection.
      Thanks for your response, I WISH your recommendation would be possible…

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      1. Again… Where is his compromise? Seriously. He could take it or leave it, you want it, but need more indication… This is a partnership. If he isn’t willing to even try having some sort of sock on the door indicator for a week or two to see what happens… How is he being open. How is it just not his show. Blurgh.

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      2. Honestly H has never been a compromiser. I went into the relationship and marriage knowing that. Since I knew he didn’t compromise on much, I just got used to it. Fortunately we agree on most things. Sex is just one of the things we have different needs. He IS getting better, but i completely agree he should be more open to compromise. I cant force him to do anything. He just needs sex to be spontaneous and fun… and I guess that’s how it’s gotta be.

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      3. Spontaneous and fun, that’s great. Using it as a control nugget… That’s different. He knows its important to you. Be aware. Men like sex. He may like the control he gets from owning the keys to the vroom more. He may not even realize it. You mentioned he got involved with dummy because he needed an ego stroke. Just be careful that this isn’t additional manipulation for him to again feel needed/wanted/in control/sex god and that you are at his whim because it works well for that part of him . I’m not saying its on purpose. I’m saying some of these parts of your man which are broken are going to affect your regular life not just his secret affair bit and this is a common place where it shows up. Much love girl.

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      4. That’s a great point, and I can see How that would be what he is doing. I guess I just don’t know. I knew the broken parts of him would affect me, its something that im going to have to live with for now and hope will change in yhthe e future. I hope that therapy will help him figure himself out and work out all his demons. One day at a time!

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