I have this huge character flaw that I’ve talked so much about. And I have tried so many times to fix it, and sometimes I succeed, but other times I revert back to it and hate myself in the process.
It’s not news to any of you that I have a high sex drive. IF I could have sex every night, I probably would. Though now that I’ve typed it out, that seems a little much. Maybe not EVERY night. Oh god….
So anyway, I have this awful habit of not saying what I want to H. When I’m in the mood and he doesn’t initiate, I will wait it out until he can see a change in my attitude. Why does not having sex after a couple days change my attitude? I hate it!
H and I go through the same thing over and over. He asks what’s wrong, I say nothing, he knows I’m lying and gets frustrated and then we go back and forth until I realize what I’m doing is damaging and that telling him “im horny” is a better option then him getting upset and thinking I’m a liar. (Not that he has any room to judge if I am).
So once I’ve decided to say the two words I sometimes dread saying, we ALWAYS end up having really good sex…. And we could have probably avoided the awkward 20 minutes of going back and forth, and had the same good sex if I would have just come out and said it right away. Why am I like this??
I know H knows why my attitude changes. So I asked him why he makes me spell it out every time, instead of helping me out and Making me feel a little less awkward. He said “maybe I like hearing you say it out loud.”
Okay… I get that. I like hearing those words from him too. So now here’s the challenge for me… sometimes he just isn’t in the mood and when he isn’t, I feel as though I’ve been rejected. And there is the problem. It always goes back to the feeling of rejection when I’m most vulnerable… (you know… me walking to the bed naked and trying to get his attention… THAT vulnerable).
I told him last night that this usually happens to me when I’ve been trying to catch his attention for a couple nights in a row and it doesn’t work. I told him I start to feel unnoticed by him. He told me that he had been trying to catch MY attention the last couple nights too…. it all boils down to both of us wanting the other person to come out and say it out loud, or better yet just take what we want.
So why are we having such a hard time doing it?!
For me it is the fear of rejection and feeling wrong for wanting sex as often as I do.
For H? I think it’s simply that he can go with or without it, so he doesn’t try super hard because it’s just not something he NEEDS at the moment.
I need to get over my fears. IF I were to just tell him what I want, I’m sure he would be happy to do it, and it would cut out the 20 minutes of me being an idiot and H getting frustrated.
Change is so hard. Breaking yourself of a habit is not easy, and it can be defeating when, after months if trying, you still sometimes revert back to it.
I’m not saying this happens all the time. It doesn’t, and I THINK it’s happening less and less (I THINK) but it’s so frustrating when it happens. I know exactly how to keep it from happening. 2 simple words, or a simple action, and sometimes I JUST CAN’T DO IT.
One step at a time, I guess. I’m trying to make a permanent change in myself. I’m trying to make myself realize that saying what’s on my mind, or telling H what I want, is not wrong or embarrasing.
But can i, for one quick second, talk about how blind H is to me coming on to him? I do everything short of grabbing his man parts and he still doesn’t get it! It certainly doesn’t make my situation any easier!
Men are so frustrating sometimes!