I made a mistake

Well, I think I made a mistake.

I think I mistook blogging and reading other blogs as being a negative in my life.

But I’m beginning to realize blogging was my way of getting things off my chest without constantly bringing the negativity into my marriage.

And without that, I’ve been having a lot more sad days. Not because H is being bad to me, just because I don’t have that outlet that I so need.

So, I’m done being done with blogging.

I feel so dumb that I blamed my blog for the negativity. Negativity is just part of my life. Something I’m constantly trying to fight. I’ve never been a negative person, but the circumstances I’m in have lead me to become negative, and I want to make that stop.

H has noticed  (and verbally questioned) the reason for all my tears. I didn’t realize until today WHY I was getting sad so often.

I can’t keep things bottled up, and this blog, and YOU guys are my release. I can’t give you up.

The bad part about this blog, and one of the reasons I wanted to give it up, is because H still doesn’t know about it. And I don’t know how to tell him that I’m blogging about his asshole-ness. Although I think I portray him in a pretty positive light… giving the situation he put us in.

How did you guys tell your SO about your blog? Or did you? And if so, how did they react? If not, what are your reasons?

Either way, I need an outlet and I can’t let this one go. My therapist says that when I bring up the affair, the reason for H acting reserved is probably a lot to do with guilt and regret. So bringing it up isn’t helpful. When I don’t bring it up, things go much better.

In therapy we are working on communication. We are working on understanding our differences in the way we think and understand things. It’s really helping both of us. When we talk about something hard, we both stop and think about what the person may think we mean before blurting things out.

So here’s the thing I can’t figure out. Things are going well. Really well. H and I are happy. But for some reason I’ve been having a lot of flashbacks to D-day and the days following. I’m running through the same scenarios in my mind and it’s haunting me. And I can only do so much to switch my train of thought. Why is this happening?

Part of me wonders if it’s because I’ve gone so long without a bomb that I’m just preparing my heart for more heartache. It’s a possibility.

I also wonder if it’s because I know she’s had her baby, and I’m stressed that when she comes back to work the feelings with flood back to them. Probably not. I think they both feel it was a mistske… but still… the thought is still there.

I’m doing my best to get through the thoughts and remain positive…. but then something happens.
I’m at a bridal shower and one of the girls looked JUST LIKE the OW. Like… they could have been relatives. And then Another woman had a daughter with the same name and kept bringing her up. I hate the name Aria now, not that I liked it before. But then I had a thought. What if I desensitized myself from the name by saying it a bunch… I’m going to ask my therapist about the idea. Maybe it’ll help.

Saturday night my phone was dead and H was playing a video game with a friend, so I asked if I could go onto his phone. He gave me his phone without any problems and I did a serious search through all of it and found absolutely nothing. What a relief! I even went through all the texts in case he put her under a different name. Needless to say it IS over. It’s just still hurtful. It’s still fresh and I STILL get triggered a lot.

H asked me what he could do to help in these moments and I told him that just a hug would do so much more me. A hug make me feel safe, secure and loved and those are the things I need to feel right now.

I get so frustrated with myself. I’ll have days that nothing can stop me from feeling great about myself. I feel so confident and in control, and then I have days that I feel so low.

Having the low days makes finding a job hard because I feel like I’ll just fail, so I don’t apply because I’m afraid of rejection. Like… terrified. I need to get over it and start looking…. I just need to find a way to feel good in my own skin again.

H and I have some exciting weeks and months ahead of us! This weekend we will be going down to Oregon for a festival without friends. The next weekend I have a bachelorette party to go to. The weekend after that we are going to Vegas with some friends and then just a few weeks after vegas we are going on a cruise with my family to Alaska! I think these trips are helping me feel good about my marriage. H also bought me tickets to our favorite band in August! It’s going to be a good spring and summer for us.

It’s been a rough week for me. My mind has been my worst enemy and I’m trying to get through this hard time. I think you guys are my source of reason, my outlet for all things affair. And my husband will be my source of comfort and love.

If you could try to give me words of comfort, and not negative thoughts, I would greatly appreciate it. Be gentle with me this week!

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6 thoughts on “I made a mistake

  1. I am really glad your back. Really glad.

    I think every cheated on spouse gets those mind video triggers. You’re right that you can predict the when and how. They may come up more as your relationship relaxes because its relaxing. Hubby may not be as vigilant and say something or do something which takes you back. He can’t be on watch all the time. Neither can you. Your feelings will come out. This is a place where none of us will judge you. Every one of us is different and our path is our own. No one gets to “ok or even mother f-ING awesome” the same way. You are staying with hub for that. Others have to leave. But we are here with ears. Pour it out.

    My hub went looking for my blog and found it from chumplady. I think… Because I’m expressive and wry and you can tell who I am out of comments if you know me. I wasn’t mad. But I wasn’t happy either and I have reached a point where I privatized the blog because I wanted a safe space. I think your husband sounds like he would try very hard to maintain that boundary for you. Especially since apparently his mood and feelings matter more. I know that you asked for nice things. I have all the love for you and I hope you and husband get things on track. But don’t forget that you matter. Your marriage therapist is there to save your marriage, they aren’t there to save you. Be careful to tend your own garden. It scares me that the ‘therapist says that when I bring up the affair, the reason for H acting reserved is probably a lot to do with guilt and regret. So bringing it up isn’t helpful. When I don’t bring it up, things go much better.’ do you recognize that the therapist said that your needs, your emotions, your hurts matter less?
    Pretend you’re in a hospital and you hear this:
    ‘Oh. You have a gunshot wound…. The guy over here who shot you kindof pulled his trigger finger a bit and is a bit sore from the recoil on the gun. Just hold the gauze while we make his feelers all better. Try to keep your intestines from spilling on the floor m’kay?’

    Now… I want you to be happy. I want you to be married and happy because that’s what you want. But don’t forget that you matter. You matter. And you were wronged. Your needs should be absolutely first. He should be ashamed. He should feel guilt. That you only tell him how sad it makes you sometimes is…. A gift of an honest wife to her husband. He should be bowing at the grace you’re showing and telling you every day he is the luckiest man and he will work every moment to make himself almost worthy of you because he will always want to put you and your family first.

    Be cautious of this therapist who thinks telling you to make your truth smaller or disappear entirely is actually helping.

    Real marriages have partners. I want that for you but you may need a helping hand who holds your hub accountable.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. While I wholeheartedly agree with you, I think I over-generalized what the therapist meant. I think he means if I can’t hold a constructive conversation about what happened, it’s best to not say anything. I have, time and time again, proven that I can’t hold a constructive conversation without getting a little too mad or upset. I can certainly tell H how I feel, but when I bring in the affair, I find it hard to give purpose for me bringing old things up. H and I have talked our faces off about where we are at, what happened and where we went wrong. And though I do feel that he should be more considerate and understanding of my feelings, I am trying to put myself in his shoes and I’m able to see why he has a hard time with it.
      Thank you so much for your kind words. I feel that you guys are truly friends, there to help me when I need it, and for that i could never express to you enough gratitude! You guys are so strong and supportive. ♥

      Liked by 2 people

    2. Just catching up. Sorry for the late response.

      I thought the same as creativerational about the therapist’s comment. When OH and I had MC early on, the therapist told OH he needed to express his emotions more and that I needed to keep a lid on mine! Not helpful! Needless to say we stopped going to that therapist.

      OH knows I have a blog. He thinks it is a good thing. I never tell him when I post or what I am posting about. I don’t think he reads it, but it wouldn’t matter if he did. I am being nothing but honest. I do think blogging, or at least commenting on others’ blogs really does help me with working out my thoughts and feelings.

      The good days/bad days rollercoaster will go on for years. At least I believe so for me, Please don’t feel guilty when you have a bad day. You didn’t ask to get on it. Your husband forced you get on and now he has to live with the consequences of his actions.

      Keep blogging! X

      Liked by 1 person

  2. The hardest part to remember is that HEALING TAKES TIME. I have often been upset with myself as much as I am with H, feeling like I just want to be over it already. But it doesn’t work that way. I’m closing in on two years since D-Day #1, and I can tell you that it does get better. The tears are less frequent, the anger is less intense. I still have my moments, but I recover much more quickly. I know myself better now.

    I hope you’ll keep writing. Especially early on, the readers of my blog were my support team. I’m not sure I would have gotten this far without them. Just keep taking care of yourself, and know that YOU ARE ENOUGH.
    ☀️

    Like

    1. By the way, H has read my blog from time to time. H doesn’t love it, but I maintain that I need it because this is my outlet. I’ve written nothing that isn’t the absolute truth. Therapist agrees, so H can’t really complain.

      Like

      1. I will continue writing. It’s already helping me so much to write out my thoughts. I need you guys. I don’t know how I ever thought I didn’t! Thank you so much for reading and taking time to help me through this. Only us betrayeds can really know how it feels and how hard it is to get through each day. I feel as though every day I climb a new mountain. Some mountains more beautiful and fun than others. 😊

        Liked by 2 people

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