Well, I think I made a mistake.
I think I mistook blogging and reading other blogs as being a negative in my life.
But I’m beginning to realize blogging was my way of getting things off my chest without constantly bringing the negativity into my marriage.
And without that, I’ve been having a lot more sad days. Not because H is being bad to me, just because I don’t have that outlet that I so need.
So, I’m done being done with blogging.
I feel so dumb that I blamed my blog for the negativity. Negativity is just part of my life. Something I’m constantly trying to fight. I’ve never been a negative person, but the circumstances I’m in have lead me to become negative, and I want to make that stop.
H has noticed (and verbally questioned) the reason for all my tears. I didn’t realize until today WHY I was getting sad so often.
I can’t keep things bottled up, and this blog, and YOU guys are my release. I can’t give you up.
The bad part about this blog, and one of the reasons I wanted to give it up, is because H still doesn’t know about it. And I don’t know how to tell him that I’m blogging about his asshole-ness. Although I think I portray him in a pretty positive light… giving the situation he put us in.
How did you guys tell your SO about your blog? Or did you? And if so, how did they react? If not, what are your reasons?
Either way, I need an outlet and I can’t let this one go. My therapist says that when I bring up the affair, the reason for H acting reserved is probably a lot to do with guilt and regret. So bringing it up isn’t helpful. When I don’t bring it up, things go much better.
In therapy we are working on communication. We are working on understanding our differences in the way we think and understand things. It’s really helping both of us. When we talk about something hard, we both stop and think about what the person may think we mean before blurting things out.
So here’s the thing I can’t figure out. Things are going well. Really well. H and I are happy. But for some reason I’ve been having a lot of flashbacks to D-day and the days following. I’m running through the same scenarios in my mind and it’s haunting me. And I can only do so much to switch my train of thought. Why is this happening?
Part of me wonders if it’s because I’ve gone so long without a bomb that I’m just preparing my heart for more heartache. It’s a possibility.
I also wonder if it’s because I know she’s had her baby, and I’m stressed that when she comes back to work the feelings with flood back to them. Probably not. I think they both feel it was a mistske… but still… the thought is still there.
I’m doing my best to get through the thoughts and remain positive…. but then something happens.
I’m at a bridal shower and one of the girls looked JUST LIKE the OW. Like… they could have been relatives. And then Another woman had a daughter with the same name and kept bringing her up. I hate the name Aria now, not that I liked it before. But then I had a thought. What if I desensitized myself from the name by saying it a bunch… I’m going to ask my therapist about the idea. Maybe it’ll help.
Saturday night my phone was dead and H was playing a video game with a friend, so I asked if I could go onto his phone. He gave me his phone without any problems and I did a serious search through all of it and found absolutely nothing. What a relief! I even went through all the texts in case he put her under a different name. Needless to say it IS over. It’s just still hurtful. It’s still fresh and I STILL get triggered a lot.
H asked me what he could do to help in these moments and I told him that just a hug would do so much more me. A hug make me feel safe, secure and loved and those are the things I need to feel right now.
I get so frustrated with myself. I’ll have days that nothing can stop me from feeling great about myself. I feel so confident and in control, and then I have days that I feel so low.
Having the low days makes finding a job hard because I feel like I’ll just fail, so I don’t apply because I’m afraid of rejection. Like… terrified. I need to get over it and start looking…. I just need to find a way to feel good in my own skin again.
H and I have some exciting weeks and months ahead of us! This weekend we will be going down to Oregon for a festival without friends. The next weekend I have a bachelorette party to go to. The weekend after that we are going to Vegas with some friends and then just a few weeks after vegas we are going on a cruise with my family to Alaska! I think these trips are helping me feel good about my marriage. H also bought me tickets to our favorite band in August! It’s going to be a good spring and summer for us.
It’s been a rough week for me. My mind has been my worst enemy and I’m trying to get through this hard time. I think you guys are my source of reason, my outlet for all things affair. And my husband will be my source of comfort and love.
If you could try to give me words of comfort, and not negative thoughts, I would greatly appreciate it. Be gentle with me this week!