So, I think I’ve officially decided that blogging is no longer working for me. I am connected to too many blogs that are negatively impacting my thoughts about the situation i am in.
I know this is my first blog in some time, and I am going to fully explain where I am. In life, in my marriage, in my brain. And that will be the end (for now).
I’m not even sure where I left off in my last blog. But things have been good for an extended period of time. No bombs, nothing to really note.
H and I are doing so well. We have been spending time with eachother , going on dates, finding something we mutually enjoy and doing that as often as we can. We do almost everything together, we confide in eachother and we laugh together.
Here’s the thing….
I still get triggered. My brain still goes ‘there’ to the dark place. I still get sad, still get worried, still feel inadequate at times. And I don’t know when that will ever end. Or if it ever will.
But I’m happy.
I’m happy most of the time.
So, how did I get here so quickly? Not that I know it’ll last or if it’s all going to work out. Because I don’t, and I will never know, really.
But how am I mentally able to let love shine through all the darkness?
It started with me not allowing myself to define H by these actions. That takes a lot of thinking and truly digging up all the things you LOVE about the betrayer.
It also took the ability to KNOW what they did, and LOVE them despite it all. And that takes unconditional love.
It took me going to therapy to get my STRESS Under control so I could live a normal, happy life.
It took me allowing H to get his thoughts and feelings in order and allowing him to feel what he needed to feel to figure out himself. And it took being okay with the fact that I had to be RESPECTFUL of HIS feelings. Despite my own.
It took me owning my part of the issues we had in out marriage. Owning my unhappiness and frustration. Owning that I wasn’t always a good wife or a nice person. Owning those things and making a change.
It took me giving H space to allow him to feel good and safe in our sex life. And once he felt that, it took me letting him take as long as he needed to initiate and feel like a man again.
It took me being able to show and voice my love to H without bringing the “a” word Into it.
It took me looking at H as a separate person from me and trying to understand where he was coming from and how he came to do this to me. And how it was not only hurting me, but also hurting him.
It took me dating my husband again, falling in love with him again and finding NEW things to love about him.
It took me forgiving him, for everything.
But it also took H changing.
It took him realizing and admitting his wrongdoing, and owning that.
It took H showing me love every day.
It took H being kind to me, and being gentle with my feelings.
It took him giving me attention and making me feel special.
It took H touching me, hugging me, and showing me affection.
It took him finally forgiving ME for my part
It took H realizing that what I did (talking him into a baby that he wasn’t ready for), though not what he wanted at the time, is now the sweetest gift.
It took H stepping up to the plate to become the father I always knew he could be.
It took him accepting what he had done as wrong and hurtful and promising he would never do it again.
It took H, as hard as it is to swallow, letting go of HIS feelings for the other woman and giving those feelings back to me.
It is NOT EASY to get to where I am. It’s not fun. But to me it is so worth it.
I am so in love, in New ways and in the ways I was in love before. I am happy, I have a great life, and I truly believe that.
This life isn’t for everyone. I’ll always live with the thought in my head. But I also get to realize that a mistake was made, love was lost for a short time, but that H and I realized we were both wrong and found love again.
If you can fall in love once, I believe you can do it again with the same person. If you really want to.
So, mentally I still struggle sometimes, but less and less each day. I choose to feel love during the times I struggle most and that gets me through it.
In love, I’m doing great. My marriage is doing well for now. And I hope it does t stop. I’d be naive if I told you I saw it working out forever. But in my heart I feel that it will. But I’m no fool. It happened once, so it certainly could again. But for now, I won’t let those thoughts in.
I am happy, healthy and in love.
Mentally I’m more stable than I’ve ever been.
GO GET HELP. I don’t care if you feel fine. Get help. Figure out yourself and discover your own baggage. You need to work on you before you can work on your marriage.
And that is all. I hope ove helped.
I know my way isn’t everyone’s way. I know some of you may laugh at my naive way of thinking. Maybe you’re laughing at how I trusted so fast. And that’s fine. Laugh, question my ways and don’t try out my tactics. I honestly don’t expect everyone to try my ways. But what do you have to lose? Your heart is already broken…. so if it doesn’t work, your heart remains broken. If it does work…. well…. that would be great!
So try it or not. But let me tell you what…
I am happy