I’m such an annoying troll. Why am I like this?….

Last night I was “feeling in the mood” for the first time since I got sick. I wanted to initiate, but I literally froze every time I thought about trying. H could sense something was wrong, but I didn’t want to explain that even though I was in the mood, I couldn’t initiate for fear of rejection, and I was frustrated because he wasn’t initiating.
Obviously it’s not his fault. He wasn’t in the mood, or didn’t feel like being intimate. So why do I get frustrated? It’s been almost 2 weeks since we were last intimate. Mind you I was practically on my death bed for over a week of that, and the last part of it H was afraid he would get sick from even kissing me. So, the 2 weeks, though long, is not because we didn’t want to.
I just wish I could initiate…. but ever since this whole affair thing, and him being weird about sex, I have serious anxiety about initiating. Fear of rejection, fear of making him feel forced, fear of him just doing it and not enjoying it. I hate this feeling. Which is why H’s low sex drive is so hard on me. To him sex every once in a while is perfect. He will do it if I initiate, but he doesn’t feel the drive for sex like I do. When I go very long without sex, I not only get stressed, I start feeling rejected.
So how do I get over the fear? How do I just initiate? I used to be the one who almost always initiated. Why can’t I be that person anymore? I think H would be happy if I were to initiate, but I start panicking every time I tell myself I’m going to do it.
H sensed something was wrong, and I’m pretty sure he knew what it was. He didn’t do anything about it most likely because A. He is getting sick now and B. Because it was late by the time I think he figured it out.
Besides me being an annoying troll who can’t follow through with what she wants, last night was a good night. H was worried about my attitude, but I made sure he knew I wasn’t mad at him. Still he asked “do I make you happy?”… it broke my heart, so I said “you never have to question that, I am so happy with you”. I hate that my entire attitude changes because of SEX. Honestly I think the majority of the reason I want to have sex is to feel his love. To feel close. It’s not even the SEX, it’s what the sex means.
Tonight is our first couples session in counseling. My sister is coming over to watch baby. No one in the family knows,so she thinks we are just going out on a date. It’s hard to keep secrets this big, but I just tell myself it’s all worth it. I couldn’t handle everyone hating H. Not just my family would. I’m sure his family would also hate him. And I couldn’t handle all the sad eyes. I don’t want pity. I just want to get through all of this. I want to have a normal life.
So like I was saying, we have out first couples session. I’m excited and scared at the same time. Excited because this was the goal we have been working towards since starting therapy and we are finally here, and scared because all the sad stuff that might come up.

In other news, H found out his trip might be pushed out YET AGAIN. We find out tomorrow officially. He said if it does get pushed out, he may be put on another remote  (work trip) in Hawaii for 5 days. On top of the one that’s been pushed out. Ughhhhhhhhh. I can’t deal with all this leaving. It just makes me sad.

Also, we decided to sell the other house. It brings me serious anxiety thinking about it, but it’s possible we will make a lot of money selling it. It would take 20 years to make the amount we think we will make selling if we were to rent it out. So, we will be looking into putting it up on the market in the next week or so. It’s crazy to think it won’t be ours. Our first home we bought together. It brings back SO many good memories. All the parties we threw, all the love we made, all the times we shared. It’s going to all be gone in a few short weeks. I haven’t been in the house in a year, so why am I all the sudden feeling this now? It hasn’t REALLY been ours for a year. I’ll get over it. I think I’m just being nostalgic.

As down as this post seems, I’m truly not sad. I am verry happy with where H and I are at. I just get so annoyed with myself for the things I still haven’t controlled, such as my anxiety about initiating intimacy. I need to get it under control, but I’m embarrassed to talk to H about it for some reason. I’m going to work on that.

H is going to urgent care right now.  He seems to have exactly what I had last week. I’m an asshole. 😕

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