Refreshed, Renewed

This weekend H worked, which is unusual. A couple years ago he used to work any weekend he could just for the extra cash, but this last year his company has cut back on OT, and thus he has not worked any weekends. This was a special case because EVERY ONE has been out sick, and he was the only one that could come in.
On Saturday I went shopping with mom, sis and baby to keep me busy. We had a lot of fun. After shopping they came over and helped me move all baby’s stuff into her room, since she is now sleeping there. It was both cleansing of the mind AND body. It felt so good to get the clutter out of our room. H got home and we went to my brothers bday party. Since H gave up caffeine and he had to wake up early, we left the party early. We had fun while we were there, and everyone LOVED spending time with baby. Again, we are so lucky to have so many people who love our little girl! We all fell asleep immediately upon getting home.
Sunday I had made plans with H’s mom to come over and give her some time with baby. She is blind, and therefore unable to come see us. And since we are so busy all the time, we rarely get a chance to go visit her unless it’s a family event. We had a good morning playing with grandma. I got a call from H part way through the morning asking if I wanted to meet him for lunch. Though I trusted he was at work, it still made me feel more at ease. Baby and I met him for lunch and did our costco shopping with him. It was nice being able to do that.
After lunch baby and I went home. I put baby down for a nap, and I felt like rearranging our room. I moved the furniture in a way that H and I had been talking about. Not only did it make our room look twice the size, it made it look so much NICER. We already have a large, beautiful room, but it just brings me peace looking at it now. Instead of it being cut into sections by the bed and dresser, it’s much more open. It also draws your eyes to our beautiful wall of windows to the back yard. And our back yard is so calming. I feel so refreshed when I go into our room now.
I’m not sure if the feeling is because the room looks nicer and is less cluttered, or if it’s because it’s different from when I found out about the affair (I was in my bed). Either way, I needed the change of scenery.
H and I have been doing really well. My therapist told me that I don’t need all the details of the affair, and I think he is completely right. It’s over, no amount of awful detail is going to make me feel better. And at the point I’m at now, why would I want to feel worse? So, I’m just not worried about any more details. I’m praying nothing else gets brought to my attention, and from what I’ve heard from H, it won’t. He seems very much over it. I’m also prepared for another punch in the face… because that’s just the reality of this life.
I’m just going to enjoy every moment of these good times. I’m going to take it all in and allow myself to be completely immersed in the joy that my life has. I’m done immersing myself in sadness and wallowing in my own pity. It makes things worse not only for me, but for my marriage.

I wrote the above stuff yesterday, but didn’t have time to post it. So this will be two (ish) blogs in one.

Last night I had the WEIRDEST horrible dream ever. It was so weird I can barely explain it. Of course the OW was the main focus, and in the dream H left me… I hate dreaming! But also in the dream the OW was a boiling pot of soup, instead of a person? Idk…. I can’t make this stuff up!
It made me grumpy, but then I remembered the last dream I had about H leaving me and how grumpy I was and how it was such a set back, I immediately stopped allowing it to get to me. IT’S JUST A DREAM!
Today we found out that the tenants living in our rental house are not renewing the lease. I immediately felt my stomach sink. H asked if we should sell. I couldn’t help but think ” if we sell, it makes it so much easier for him to leave”. It’s almost like keeping that house, OUR FIRST HOME, is keeping us together in my mind. It freaks me out to think about selling it. I expressed to H that I was sad when thinking about selling and he said jokingly “we should just move back into that house!” Which immediately made me feel better. I like when he says “we”… isn’t that so trivial of me? Such meaningless words can mean the world to me now.

Whatever we decide to do, we will do together… I think. H and I seem so good right now. We compliment eachothers personalities. It’s almost as if this was a huge wake up call saying “hey idiots, stop letting life make you mean”. We just have more fun together than we have in a while. When I’m WITH H, I don’t think about the affair, I am always in the moment with him. It makes life so much more enjoyable. And that’s all I want, to be married to some one who I can have fun with.

Anyway, I highly recommend cleaning out the clutter and reorganizing, redecorating or just deep cleaning your house if you are in the midst of healing from an affair. Something about coming home ton a clean, new slate gives you new life and new hope.

I also highly recommend not dreaming about asshole. It not fun. But if you DO dream about assholes, just let it go… LET IT GO!

I challenge you to go ONE DAY without bringing up ANYTHING from your affair with your husband or wife. And while you’re NOT bringing up the bad stuff, how about try to bring up all the good stuff… all the stuff you LOVE about them.

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