I’m not over it

I’ve been feeling anxious all morning. I can’t pinpoint a reason exactly, but I did let my mind wander to the affair earlier, so I think that must be it. Normally I’ve been able to brush it off, but today my anxiety is getting the best of me.

I’m not over it. Not at all. After I started thinking about it, I started wondering if I’d be married to H for the rest of my life, or if we would divorce sometime in the future. That must be it, that must be the reason for my anxiety. Divorce isn’t an option to me. It’s not even a desire. So thinking about it brings me severe anxiety. Even the thought of it makes me feel like a failure.

I sometime wish they still did that old time procedure where they put a tool in through your eye to your brain and just scramble the area of the brain that isn’t “working right”… what’s that called? Anyway, sometimes I wish they could do that to the area of my brain that holds on to the details of the affair. Just scramble that part of my brain, please?

I just want to forget that he said she was the best part of his day, and I want to forget that they talked about my daughter, and I want to erase my brain of the pictures. I’ve literally got a photographic memory when in comes to the things I found regarding the affair. SCRAMBLE THAT PART, PLEASE?!

It’s frustrating to me that I sometimes can’t stop my brain from going there. And when my brain DOES go there, I don’t want to talk to H because I can act like a maniac and make things worse. But not talking can make it worse too. Good thing I have my counseling tonight.

Speaking of counseling, I think it’s going really really well. The majority of the time I have my anxiety in check. I just don’t feel anxious most of the time now. It’s such a huge improvement that I really shouldn’t beat myself up about the days that it does overcome me. But I HATE that it can still overcome me. I hate this feeling!

H has been very good to me. He knew I was stressed about him going to a work event, so he made sure to comfort me before he left. It helped alot. The rest of the night I just kept myself busy so I wouldn’t think about it. H sent me pictures periodically through the night, which was a nice gesture.

So far I’ve been doing okay giving up fear. Yesterday I admit I did feel a little fear. Today, however isn’t fear so much as its severe anxiety, and I’m trying to make it go away. That’s not always easy for me. Most of the time it just takes hugging H and knowing he is there for me. That’s all I need right now… 😕

Today I challenge you to make happiness your predominant thought. That’s what I’m trying to do.

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