No +1 allowed

H just told me he is officially set to leave on the 20th of this month. I’ve known it was coming, so I should be prepared to say goodbye, but I’m not. The last time I said goodbye was the last night my life was normal. The last time I felt normal, the last time I got to live life in my bubble of happiness. So I am the opposite of ready.

I’m not fearful, I’m just… concerned. Concerned that it will bring me back to d-day. Afraid that H being away from me will be what he needs to say goodbye. I don’t think this is going to happen,  but I can’t say I haven’t thought about it alot. Maybe it’s a little fear… but I’m trying to make it go away.

I don’t like that he is leaving after being in such a good place for a while. I feel like it will stop the progress we have made and maybe set us back. The problem I have is that he is supposed to be gone for 1 week to around 10 days but in his company that can become 2-3 weeks any minute.

When H told me the official date he started crying. He said he felt bad that he had to leave us, that he didn’t want to leave us. It felt genuine, but sometimes I’ll think back to the last time he left… I think he cried then too. I need to stop comparing now and then, but it’s hard not to. I worry all the time about these trips. The only thing keeping me sane is knowing that the OW is due around that time. So she will not be going on this trip.

I hate that my brain has to be in overdrive all the time, and even more so now because of this trip…

H will be gone during our anniversary. Today he told me he wanted to make plans to celebrate. I don’t know if I will be going to see him, since it’s so up in the air about how long he will be there. So I suppose we will either celebrate before he leaves, or after. Whatever he plans, I hope it makes me feel special. I hope it makes me feel secure in our marriage. But I’m not getting my hopes up. H has never been much of a surprise kind of guy.

I bought H and I tickets to one of the first baseball games for our anniversary. It’s always been one of our favorite things to do together. Now I’m not sure he will be back in time to make it, even though it’s 2 weeks from when he is due home.

Speaking of H not being home, he was just invited to a HUGE company dinner event that he has been helping plan for several months. It’s happening tonight. Usually people in his position wouldn’t get invited, but the boss’s saw how much work he put into it and invited him. Its going to be great for him, as he will get to meet all the big wigs of the company and similar companies around the world. Of course it’s not an event you can bring a +1 to…. but that’s just how it is. I hate that I have to worry and question what he will be doing. I know the OW won’t be there, but I still feel uneasy about him going to work events, let alone going anywhere, without me present. I HATE that he has done that to me….

So now I get to go home and take care of a sick baby alone while I am coughing up a lung. Yay me… 😕

Today I challenge you to try to be present in the moment. Don’t allow your brain to wander somewhere dark. Be present whether you’re playing with your children, having dinner with your SO or just hanging out alonr. He present and enjoy THAT moment without thinking of the negatives in your life. That’s what I’m going to do tonight to keep my mind off of what H is doing (or what my mind makes me think he is doing).

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