H just called me because he had a few minutes between meeting. I can’t explain how much I appreciate and love those unexpected phonecalls.
Whether the phone calls are because he wants to just talk and see how I’m doing, or his way of rebuilding trust with me, it’s working. Every time he makes an effort to show me love, I trust him a little more.
Trust is such a fragile thing to me now. I don’t trust anyone much these days. I find myself looking at people and wondering if they are having affairs. People that I respect, and some people I truly love. To me it’s still so hard to believe MY husband could, so I think maybe everyone else is too. It’s sick to think that way. The other day I wondered if my dad had ever had one… what is wrong with me?!
The problem is that I gave H all my trust. I gave him all my love. I gave him everything. And he broke me. How do you come back from that? But I am, I am coming back slowly. And it feels good. I feel my heart opening up every day. Some days it takes actively opening my heart, but others It just happens.
I need to figure out what trust looks like to me. What it’s going to take to fully trust again. But right now I just have no idea. I think my idea of trust was very naive before d-day. I thought that because my husband married me and told me he loved me that there would be no reason to question him. But I know better now. I think trust has a lot to do with actions. Showing me that you are doing what you say. Doing something for me that shows me you care. Telling me everything. But I know there is more to it.
It’s amazing how affairs change you. How they completely mold you into a new person, how they mold your brain and your way of thinking. In some ways it’s been good, in others it’s not so good.
Day 7 and I’m keeping my mind from going to fesr. I am allowing myself to feel joy and happiness, and I am kicking fear to the curb. It feels so good.
Today I challenge you to figure out what it’s going to take to trust again, and to talk to your SO about it. Talking openly about what you need from him/her is the only way you will get through this, and we all know trust is at the forefront of our problems. Let’s try to tackle it together, let’s try to experience trust again. We deserve that.