The woman I promised him to be.

Tonight I was snooping around my husbands email, Facebook etc. I didn’t find anything (as I knew I wouldnt… but now it’s a sickness), but I did find the note I typed up for him on our wedding day.
I truly meant to keep these promises, but I fell short…

To the love of my life,
This may look like any other love note that I’ve written before, but it isn’t. It isn’t the same because today is our wedding day, and in about an hour I’ll be Mrs. H. My dream since the day I met you.
I know you joke and tell me that you loved me before I loved you, but that is completely untrue. The second I saw you in your camouflage hat, faded blue jeans and that sexy scruff, I fell in love with you. And the day after that when we went bowling, I was completely obsessed with you. And when you would come over to my apartment, my stomach would be in knots because I was so crazy about you. I would have never guessed that that one night would have completely changed my life. FOR THE BETTER.
I want to make you two promises: 1. I will love you until the day I die, and 2. I will strive to be the best wife everyday. I promise every day to grow more in love with you. I will respect your wishes and I will fulfill any desire (within reason) you have. I will be your best friend, your shoulder to cry on and the person you can talk to about anything. I will love you. Forever.
Today will be the best day of our lives. I can’t wait to be your wife, and to be with my best friend forever. I am so excited to grow old with you. So today, in just a few minutes, when I walk down the aisle toward you, remember that this is JUST the beginning of the most beautiful life together.
Here comes the bride.
Love,
Your bride

I fell short because life got in the way and our goals and dreams became blury. We got busy and we both became selfish in our own ways. Never once did I stop loving him like I promised, but I stopped SHOWING him my love like I promised. I used to get so mad at myself because when I was in a bad mood, I wouldn’t let myself come out of it, even though I wanted to. How dumb is that? I hate that I became a person I didn’t even like. I just felt so bad about myself. Not always because of H, but I think because I had such big dreams for myself, and when I got into the real world after college I was made to feel like a nothing. That really got to me. And it made me a grumpy person. I don’t want to be grumpy. I’m NOT an unhappy person. I want to make a promise to myself that when I’m looking for a job in a few months, I’ll only accept something that will make me feel proud of myself. But at the end of the day… I’ll have to accept something.

I want to be the woman who promised him those things, I want to be the light-hearted woman I was just a few years ago. So tonight, I am going to make a promise to myself that I’ll strive everyday to keep these promises, to be that woman I promised my groom that I’d be for him.

I want to be the wife he can’t live with out. I want to be the wife that, at a party, her husband raves about to everyone. I want to be the wife he couldn’t fathom being unfaithful to ever again.

So the real question is… how do you become that person? How, on your worst day, can you separate the problem from your personal life? How do YOU get YOUR frustration out without taking it out on your significant other? Generally I’d say exercise is what I use, but I have always exercised and still took things out on H. I need to find a way to decompress without making H feel like shit.

And I want him to do all the same things.

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