I often find myself wondering… is this what was meant for my life? Did God have this in place for me, or is this the doing of the human freedom we have been given? Or both?
I admittedly am not the strongest Christian. I grew up going to private school my whole life. Even through highschool. But I think it made me more hesitant of religion than it did strengthen me. I believe in God, but organized religion is not for me. It just isnt. I can’t pretend to be friends with a group of people who go to church primarily for the gossip that goes on. It isn’t my thing.
I do, however, find myself talking to God. Unfortunately mainly during bad times, and rarely in good times. So sometimes, while I’m driving… my best thinking time, I ask God what he wants from this. What is this horrible situation going to do for me? I don’t think I hear him, but in my head I feel like something keeps telling me God did this to strengthen me mentally. I didn’t realize how mentally weak I was until this horrible thing.
I grew up in the happiest family you could picture. My parents the very definition of “in love” and us kids, though we each had our faults, all very close. I mean, in some capacity, we were living the American dream. We had money, but not a ton, we had plenty of family, we had happiness. I went to private school and didn’t really have to deal a whole lot with the outside world.
I think because I was sheltered, and grew up in peace, it didn’t prepare me completely for real life.
My husband, on the other hand, grew up in a very unhappy household. Sure they had money, and had fun during family events, but in the privacy of their own home there was conflict, unhappiness and anger.
When I met my husband, his parents were at their worst. Very unhappy together. So his father asked for a divorce. All while his mother was going through chemo for breast cancer. It was a dark time in his life, and honestly in mine.
What I didn’t know is that my husband was struggling internally. And he would question himself in our relationship. He would question me if I liked certain aspects of his personality. To me, this was threatening to our relationship. I told him continuously that I loved all of him. I think it hit a place where I truly felt that if he didn’t figure it out, it would be the end of our relationship. So I told him he needed to figure himself out. Not once did I feel like I told him I wanted to leave him, but he apparently took it as such. And I didn’t know that until a few days ago. He told me that when I said that, he though “if I don’t just bury this, she is going to leave me and my life would be empty”. So he buried his problems. And I, being in my happy bubble, thought he just figured himself out. How could I be so wrong?
H thinks that because he buried his insecurities about relationships, it caused him a lot of internal struggle. He struggled with self worth, with his sense of self, and he did this all internally. He didn’t think he could talk to me, because he felt that I wouldn’t accept it. I just wish I could go back and explain that by “figure yourself out” I didn’t meant he needed to get over it, he just needed to separate himself and our relationship from his parents and their problems. But I can’t do that. What’s done is done. I’d like to blame myself, but I know better. I’m not a therapist, I can’t really read people that deeply. And honestly it happened early enough in our relationship that I couldn’t sense a significant change.
So, what do I do? What do I say? It’s not that easy. All I can do is be there for him while he finally allows these feelings to come to the forefront of his emotions. And all I can say is that I will love him through it. But is that going to be enough? Is it EVER enough? I don’t know. And there it is. The most intimidating 3 words I can think of… “I don’t know”. I hate those words together…
I feel like I’m rambling on. Maybe this blog has some sort of crazy flow to it? But my original point really has to do with destiny.
Do I have a destiny? Is what is happening right now determining what my destiny is? Can I determine my own destiny with H? Can I CHANGE my destiny if it’s not what I want?
On another note, yesterday (and so far today) have been great days. I have to share something that I feel is HUGE…
H is initiating sex with excitement again. Or at least he did last night. We were feeding baby, and after we cleaned her up, she was extremely content in her highchair playing by herself. I had dinner on the stove. H looked at me with a huge smile, took my hand and pulled me into the bedroom, started ripping his clothes off, and mine. It wasn’t a “I want sex”, it was a “I need you”. This is exciting to me. My low sex drive husband is all the sudden begging for sex. Hallelujah!