Ups and downs… and everything in beteeen

I have had a rough several days, followed by a couple good days. Starting on Friday of last week. That was the day after the dream that my H left me for the OW. I immediately told H Friday morning that I was in a funk because of my dream. He told me it was just a dream and I needed to remember that. I completely understood that he was right, but it didn’t help much. I just kind of felt down. Friday night I got home from work and I was hoping H would hug me and tell me everything was okay, but he didn’t. He went right to doing his own thing. I just didn’t get why he didn’t want to make me feel better… he knew what I was dealing with. He asked me if I was okay, and I began explaining again that I just felt down. He said he would not validate the feelings I was having because they were just a dream. What he didn’t, and probably still doesn’t understand is that it’s NOT just a dream to me. It is a very real possibility that goes through my mind all the time. But the fact that he basically told me my feelings didn’t matter really hurt me. I know he didn’t exactly mean it like that, but that’s how it felt.

Saturday H and I spent apart. I went to get my hair done and he went off roading with a friend. It was nice. I got to pamper myself, which I don’t do much anymore being a new mom. When I got home, H was home and we spent time together with baby and watching some of our shows.

Sunday came, and something else kind of set me off. H has a Facebook friend who is female, he has known her all his life, but she comments and likes EVERYTHING H and I post. She is in a relationship, but I still just don’t like it. She just seems too interested in us. H assures me that she is just a bored stay at home mom who has nothing to do but Comment on everyone’s facebook posts. I know he isn’t seeing her, it’s just that I have such a hatred for ALL women right now… so I brought this up and he got pretty upset. He said to me “I’m not just some guy this hat goes out looking for women. It was only ever this one person, and I wasn’t looking . I’m not interested in finding someone else”. I told him i was just scared of everything and that certain things make me feel uneasy. My brother and sister in law came to watch baby while H and I ran some errands. We got all the shopping done and went to lunch. I hadn’t eaten much when I pushed the soup away from me. He asked why I wasn’t eating and I said I didn’t feel hungry. He knew something was bothering me. I told him i would talk about it when we got to the car. I told him for some reason the line “it was only ever her” for some reason really hurt… because I wanted it to only ever be me. We talked and I was digging for some kind of reassurance. H isn’t good at making me feel SUPER reassured because he says “I am going to try my hardest” instead of “I am going to do whatever it takes”… for some reason I feel like the latter would make me feel so much better, but for him I think they mean the same thing. Sunday was a rough day, but we were able to talk through our feelings and ended on a decent note. We don’t fight much anymore, we talk, we cry, we get quiet… but we don’t really fight.

On Monday night we had our individual counseling sessions. I went in expecting to get the same old shpeel on reducing anxiety, but the therapist sensed I needed to talk about something. I told him about what had been going on the last couple days, while I balled my eyes out, and explained my feelings. He said that because H and I have different communication styles, it will help when we start our couples sessions. He also said that I need to stop digging for reassurance and take what H says for what it’s worth. H IS trying, and making very obvious changes.  He also said I need to remember the “questions” and “statements” differences and make sure  I’m asking a question or making a statement, not the “statement questions” that women are oh so good at! Obviously I’ve got work to do still. Monday night at home was much calmer, more peaceful and happy. I feel that we were in a better place than the few days prior.

Tuesday, valentine’s day, H woke me up saying happy valentine’s day, giving me a few more kisses than normal. I was already feeling pretty good about that. Then I got a text from him saying that he would meet me at work at 4 and that he was taking me somewhere, so I should bring a change of clothes. Honestly after the affair I just wasn’t sure how these special holidays and anniversaries would go. But I was excited. As I was leaving the house, I saw that H had left me a car that was sweet and funny. It basically said that we were the perfect pair. Needless to say I was feeling pretty happy. I got to work and was off and on texting with H. He texted me saying he didn’t know why, but he was just feeling anxious. I talked to him and tried to make him feel better. He said just talking to me made him feel better, and that seeing me would make it much better. That made me smile. It’s nice to know that I make him feel better. H got to my work and we headed out. I gave my cards to him (i almost always get more than one because I can never decide). He gave me a kiss and told me how much he loved me. On our way to the restaurant  (our favorite place) we had a little small talk, how our days went, etc. It felt so nice, so normal. At the he restaurant we continued talking about random things, enjoying our conversation and the delicious food. On the way home we were laughing so hard about something, and I just wished the night would never end. I live for nights like this now. We picked baby up from my parents and drove home separately. When we got home, baby was sound asleep in the carseat, so we left her in there in the living room. I went in to kiss H, not expecting anything. He was shirtless, so I mentioned how sexy I thought he was, and he told me to  just give him a second. He wanted exactly what I wanted. It was good. I don’t know what it is, but sex is so good now. It was always good, but it’s hott and sexy and so satisfying now more than ever.

The bad days are bad, but the good days are so good. If I just keep working, and if he just keeps working, I know we will be able to reduce the bad days and have more of the good ones. It just takes work. It’s certainly not easy, but in the end, I want to say we got through this, we faced all our problems and differences and we still came through stronger and more in love.

Please, let that be the case, God.

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