It’s been a few days since I posted my last blog. I’ve been really doing some work on myself and, in the process, on my marriage.
I no longer allow myself to shut down when i want to. And if I’m going to be 100% honest, it feels so damn good. I never realized how hard it is to shut down… I was too busy thinking it was my only option. I also say what I’m feeling, when I feel it. I can already see a change in H. I can tell he really appreciates it. the level of communication we have now is leaps and bounds better than what it used to be.
We had a conversation about everything that happened and what we expect for our future… a month ago we would be talking and then we would start raising our voices, getting mad and making everything worse. The other night, we just had a calm talk. There were a few tears, but mostly because the hurt it causes me, but no tears because of things that were said.
Our conversation pretty much involved me telling him I was worried about the future. I asked what he wanted and what he thought about our future. He said he wanted the same things as me, but he was worried I would always resent him for what he’s done. I told him that I dont see this being something I really resent him for… as odd as it sounds. It hurt me, a lot. And maybe I resent him? I don’t really know… but I see myself slowly getting over this and leaving it in the past. I think that made him feel a lot better.
H is way more involved with our family life as well. He has been spending a lot more time with our daughter by himself, and it’s been so heart warming. He is also opening up again when we are with family. He was playing games on his phone any time we were around family, but on sunday at the Seahawks party he was actually enjoying himself, and it was nice to see. I know some of you are probably saying “why do you want him to enjoy himself?! he is an ass!”… I’d say to you that when you love someone, like seriously, truly, deeply love someone, their happiness becomes your happiness and their sadness becomes your sadness. Yes, H hurt me, a lot. He broke me down, took away my sense of security and destroyed my self confidence, but he is still the love of my life. He is working on himself and working on us, and though it doesn’t make it okay, it makes me want to see him happy.
Yesterday H came home early from work, since it snowed seven inches the night before, and in Seattle that is a crazy amount. It was nice, as I also got to stay home from work. I saw him on his phone, and because that’s a huge trigger, my mind immediately went to the affair. I was doing laundry, he came in to talk to me, sensing something was wrong. I broke down and told him that seeing him on his phone sets me off at times, as he already knows. He apologized and just held me, which is all I want in this kind of situation. He told me that he was actually posting a picture of my daughter and I… which is so sweet, and makes me feel good.
I think as long as we keep an open line of communication, work on ourselves and continue showing eachother unconditional love, we have a good chance of getting through this with a more resilient, happy marriage. It takes so much work. It’s hard, and it’s exhausting. Some times you can’t see progress, and sometimes you see huge progress. You really have to take it one day at a time, but keep your eye on the future… does that make sense? As I said in my last post… you are ALWAYS going in the direction of your most predominant thought.
I feel now, more than I have ever before, that this is something we can overcome. Not just H and I, but also YOU, my readers. If you want to, you can do this. You can, and if you really want it bad enough, you will. I keep telling myself that though things will never be the same, they have the potential to be BETTER and HAPPIER than before… and that’s a future I want to be a part of.
So here’s to us, the betrayed’s… to a better future and a happier life. No matter what you decide.