It is not weakness

When I first met my husband, it was so easy to fall for him right away. He was kind, gentle, affectionate, soft and thoughtful. Immediately I fell in love with him, but I didn’t let him know that because I was afraid of what that meant. I was the girl with a broken past that was too afraid to get hurt. But I let him in, and he proved to me that not all men hurt you. I remember when he told me he loved me… we had had a few drinks, and when he said it, I froze. Could I tell him how I felt, or did that make me weak? It took me 2 weeks to say it back… I knew I DID love him, I just didn’t know if I WANTED to love him. But I did, and in those 2 weeks, I figured that out.

The same way falling in love isn’t weakness, I don’t feel like you can call staying after infidelity weakness. I made the choice to stay, and some days I feel like kicking myself for doing it, and I beat myself up mentally. It’s hard to understand how one could stay after the spouse has been unfaithful, until you’ve been there. I used to look at staying as weakness, insanity, stupid and pathetic. But I’m here to tell you that I was WRONG. Staying is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It’s not hard in the way you think it to be, it’s not hard because I hate him, it’s hard because I love him so.incredibly.much and I’m staying without having any idea how any of this is going to pan out. I’m scared all the time. I’m scared of him throwing in the towel and giving up. Because this isn’t easy for either side. Even when both sides want the same thing. You have to work on yourself and your own inner demons before you can work on you as a couple.

I remember one time I was joking around with H before we were married, actually right after we met. I told him “I’d only leave you if you cheated on me… or robbed a bank”. At that point in time I literally thought bank robbing was more probable than him cheating… but things change… PEOPLE change… life gets hard. the difference between people who stay faithful and those who don’t is their mental strength… are you strong enough to voice your concerns and then try to work through them, or will you shove them to the back of your mind, forget about them and let the problems pile up? It’s hard to bring up your problems, it means something is wrong… it’s easy to just forget about them and let your mind wander, as is the case of my husband. He had problems, but was too afraid to hurt me, so he stopped voicing them…. but in the end, he couldn’t keep things bottled up and found someone to voice his problems to outside of our marriage. That’s the easy road…. my husband is weak.

I’m not saying my husband is the only one to blame. There was obviously a reason he felt like he would hurt me… because he HAD hurt me with his words and I made sure he knew it… probably in the wrong way that made him feel like he couldn’t talk to me. That is my fault. Like I said… you have to work on your OWN inner demons before you can work on your marriage.

If anyone reading this feels shitty about yourself because you chose to stay, please STOP. You are stronger than you know. You have made the decision to work on yourself, your self worth, and then your marriage. Always remember to put yourself first. You can’t expect anyone else to love you if you can’t love yourself first. I’m still learning that and figuring out how to love myself.

Life is weird, and nothing is ever certain, of this I am now sure… I just wish my marriage was. I’m not sure that time heals all wounds, but hopefully it will help. 😩

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4 thoughts on “It is not weakness

  1. I understand exactly how you feel . we have been married for 35 years when he did it. we have 3 grown children 4 grand. I try to get him to talk about it he won’t he says it is in the past. iwon’t to know why .he don’t know.he is also one of those people that you would never do something like we , have been together sence the 11th grade how do do you trust who you
    took vowels with ..I still love him with all my heart we’ve never been a couple who argued
    I have questions about it how they got together a lot of them

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    1. Charlene, I am so sorry. My heart aches for anyone going through the same thing as I am. It is truly a test of strength for us, and the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
      As for the questions, he absolutely needs to have told you EVERYTHING. Trickling the truth over time will hurt so much. Fortunately I didn’t really go through that… im pretty good at forcing out the truth.
      This is not something that can get better if only one side is working to fix things. You need to make sure that he plans to stay, and isn’t making plans to leave.
      I hope you can get him to answer questions and talk to you. The affair may be over, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.
      Take care.

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  2. I agree that no one is perfect. I do think people who cheat should bear the responsibility. There are 700 other options out there. Talk to the partner. Get therapy. Talk with a friend who you aren’t ever able to be attracted to (your best man, a brother, minister, parent, bozo the clown I dont really care. Someone you will never trip into their genitals on “accident” with). Hire a skywriter “we have marital problems “, or oh my god- leave. Its better than the hell of adultery. You dont like your life? Leave. Put up or shut up. If you’re going to be emotionally entwined or physically entwined with someone else, cut your current partner loose. Its honorable comparatively. Now I am stuck feeling inferior and second guessing a partners every move, response , or discussion point and trying to figure out if its real. Im stuck wanting to trust but really just thinking that the other shoe is only a matter of time away. Im stuck knowing that I wasn’t enough. If I had been enough this wouldn’t have happened.

    Adultery always makes the betrayed partner feel like they were the worst. They hold the bag.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I absolutely agree. I wish he would have talked to someone he trusted about his problems, but we can’t change the past. I honestly think that my husband is just an idiot and initially talked to this coworker innocently, and then when he realized she had feelings he was so flattered that he began feeling the same. He.is.so.dumb! For whatever reason *cough*his dad*cough* he needed a serious ego stroke, and she gave him that.
      What I’ve come to know is that I can no longer allow this shitty situation make me feel ‘less than’. What I do know is that my husband is ‘less than’ the man I married. And I know I want the man I married back. But I am still a wonderful woman, beautiful, I am worth it. You can’t let this situation define you. It is when you allow that to happen that you have let the OW win. Don’t let that whore win.
      And also, know that YOU didn’t cause the affair. No matter what H says it was 100% his fault. Yes, your marriage may other have been perfect, maybe he didnt feel like he could talk to you, whatever. But he chose the cowards way: cheating to feel less empty. CheAyers are cowards.

      Liked by 1 person

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