Social media sucks

A few weeks ago, around the time H and I had our last big fight, I decided I was going to delete the social media apps on my phone (facebook, twitter) as I couldn’t stand all the happy people. To me it made it worse, and harder to find a happy place in my mind. It sucked that just a few months ago I was the one posting all this stuff about being so happy and in love and enjoying life, and now any time I read someone’s happy post my heart breaks all over again.
So today, just because I was bored (my daughter was taking a nap) I signed into Facebook and what do I see?
This…

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Yes….. a real shot to my heart… Just a few months ago I would have seen that, smiled to myself, maybe in my head I would have said “I really did get lucky!” And scroll on…
But today I look at that and I want to cry. I want to cry because ill never be able to look at something like this again and believe that. Because I got a guy who DID only have eyes for me… until he didnt. How do you get passed that feeling? Will you EVER get passed it? Or will I read something like this 15 years from now and STILL be reminded of the affair?

Life truly isn’t fair…. I am a decent person, not perfect, but I’m good. I do my part to take care of the environment, I sometimes feed the homeless and donate what I can. I don’t do drugs, I drink on occasion, but I’m certainly no lush. I keep to myself and I pride myself on how close I am to my family and the few friends I do have. So why did I get dealt this hand? Why, out of all the shitty people in the world, did God look at me and say to himself “look at that decent human, going about her life in a happy delusion… let’s Fuck it up”… I don’t know guys, I’d say it’s not fair… but maybe I did something in my past that is now coming back to bite me in the ass… who knows.

Social media was something I enjoyed. Being able to keep in touch with old friends, new friends and distant relatives, but now it just hurts too much. There is too much happiness, too many quotes that no longer apply to my relationship. I am now the statistic instead of being the exception.  I am one of the something like 60% of marriages that have been affected my infidelity.

I feel so broken. I can’t enjoy my favorite music, movies or activities without being reminded of the affair. One of my favorite movies that H and I would always watch together… “serendipity” and compare it to how we met… now it hurts too. Damn. Much. The only thing I want to do is hide, cry and run away from all my problems. Why can’t I wake up from this nightmare life? It is very seriously a living hell at times. And your mind is your worst enemy. I just want to find happiness.

I love my husband so deeply. And as much as it sickens me to say it, I love him more than I did before all this. Or maybe not more, just in a different way. I can feel my love for him more than I ever could before. Probably because I’m afraid to lose him. If I lose him I lose myself. I lose everything. I told him that I dont only love him, I love the person I am when I’m with him… and I’m afraid of who I’ll be if I am without him. I’m afraid of what I’ll do, and who I will become.

I just want my life back. My future is no longer in my hands because I’ve made the decision to stay and fight. I just want to know that he will stay and do the same.

I’ve been pretty down since Sunday, which was such a great day… probably because after being able to escape reality for a little while, everything sunk in a bit deeper.  Hopefully I can get out of this slump I’m in.

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7 thoughts on “Social media sucks

  1. after d-day, my husband and I both deleted social media, 2.5 years later and we still havent been back. It has helped with the healing I am sure. but honestly, I think years from now you will still see a post like that and still feel some type of way. It does get easier but it is always there. Whenever my husband and I hear anything to do with infidelity, we can be sitting in completely different areas, yet both of our “feelers” instantly tune in. We dont have to say anything, we both just know….

    Liked by 1 person

      1. eek. I would be too. That just wouldnt be ok with me at this point, I am not sure when it ever will be again tho. Specially if that was his form of communication – fb was my husbands so as long as he is with me, he will never be involved with social media again.

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    1. I wish he would delete social media, but I don’t think he will. Honestly I’m not too concerned with him and his social media accounts, as I know the passwords and can see everything he is doing. His charm, which he comes by honestly, is what I’m afraid of. He doesn’t realize how charming he is, and I think it’s dangerous… the OW came on to him, and I’m sure it’s because he was kind to her, and he fell for it.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It is not called Fakebook for nothing!

    I have never been high on posting soppy love things on FB, because it always felt very superficial to me. Also, I think that people post a very slanted view of their life on it. To look at some things that my friends post, you would think that they are having nothing but the time of their life – here’s a vacation, an expensive gift, a child who got lauded in class, and that’s all. But I know them offline too, and I know some of the shit they are feeling.

    That feeling of being completely replaceable and disposable? That is THE feeling that even I can’t get over.

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  3. Your line about you being a good person really got to me. Your husband didn’t do this to spite you. To get back at you for being a bad person. He probably had no intentions toward you one way or the other while with the other woman. I say this because my wife is one of the sweetest, purest, most honest people I know. She is almost too much for words. If you were a father she is exactly the type of daughter you would want. She always does the right thing and helps people to a T.

    Yet her husband cheated on her. After over a decade of marriage. It wasn’t anything I planned on doing, and I feel awful about what I did. If I could take it back I would. My wife doesn’t deserve what I did. She is too wonderful.

    You don’t deserve this either. I’m sure you are also a wonderful woman, wife and mother. Your husband’s actions were his own. Emotional affairs are complicated. I hope you two find ways to work through this.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I know he didn’t didn’t do it to get back at me, but it’s hard to fathom that he could do it at all. Yes, there have been things we haven’t agreed on and that we argued about, but in the grand scheme it wasn’t a HUGE deal. The one big disagreement we had and he went running to someone else. THAT is that terrifies me. But, I am working on opening up and making him feel safe to communicate with me.
      The emotional affairs are very confusing. You feel you have a deep connection with someone, yet you are only talking and saying what you WANT to say, and not always what is real. If you were to leave your spouse for the emotional affair partner, most likely in a few days or weeks you’d realize that you had the same problems, or different ones, and certainly you’d find that you don’t actually know the person nearly as well as you wanted to think. The dangers of online communication is that you can say what you want and leave out the rest.
      In my husbands case, the OW was very manipulative. While I was pregnant, he didn’t want to bring up issues as I was very emotional, so he began talking to her as a friend, asking advice etc. She starting to become what I WASN’T able to be for my husband, and since she knew all our issues, she could pretend to understand things that he knew I couldn’t. She was very manipulative, and I believe at times my husband still feels like she did understand.
      My husband and I are working on us, and fortunately it is going well right now.
      I wish you all the luck as well!

      Liked by 1 person

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