A few weeks ago, around the time H and I had our last big fight, I decided I was going to delete the social media apps on my phone (facebook, twitter) as I couldn’t stand all the happy people. To me it made it worse, and harder to find a happy place in my mind. It sucked that just a few months ago I was the one posting all this stuff about being so happy and in love and enjoying life, and now any time I read someone’s happy post my heart breaks all over again.
So today, just because I was bored (my daughter was taking a nap) I signed into Facebook and what do I see?
Yes….. a real shot to my heart… Just a few months ago I would have seen that, smiled to myself, maybe in my head I would have said “I really did get lucky!” And scroll on…
But today I look at that and I want to cry. I want to cry because ill never be able to look at something like this again and believe that. Because I got a guy who DID only have eyes for me… until he didnt. How do you get passed that feeling? Will you EVER get passed it? Or will I read something like this 15 years from now and STILL be reminded of the affair?
Life truly isn’t fair…. I am a decent person, not perfect, but I’m good. I do my part to take care of the environment, I sometimes feed the homeless and donate what I can. I don’t do drugs, I drink on occasion, but I’m certainly no lush. I keep to myself and I pride myself on how close I am to my family and the few friends I do have. So why did I get dealt this hand? Why, out of all the shitty people in the world, did God look at me and say to himself “look at that decent human, going about her life in a happy delusion… let’s Fuck it up”… I don’t know guys, I’d say it’s not fair… but maybe I did something in my past that is now coming back to bite me in the ass… who knows.
Social media was something I enjoyed. Being able to keep in touch with old friends, new friends and distant relatives, but now it just hurts too much. There is too much happiness, too many quotes that no longer apply to my relationship. I am now the statistic instead of being the exception. I am one of the something like 60% of marriages that have been affected my infidelity.
I feel so broken. I can’t enjoy my favorite music, movies or activities without being reminded of the affair. One of my favorite movies that H and I would always watch together… “serendipity” and compare it to how we met… now it hurts too. Damn. Much. The only thing I want to do is hide, cry and run away from all my problems. Why can’t I wake up from this nightmare life? It is very seriously a living hell at times. And your mind is your worst enemy. I just want to find happiness.
I love my husband so deeply. And as much as it sickens me to say it, I love him more than I did before all this. Or maybe not more, just in a different way. I can feel my love for him more than I ever could before. Probably because I’m afraid to lose him. If I lose him I lose myself. I lose everything. I told him that I dont only love him, I love the person I am when I’m with him… and I’m afraid of who I’ll be if I am without him. I’m afraid of what I’ll do, and who I will become.
I just want my life back. My future is no longer in my hands because I’ve made the decision to stay and fight. I just want to know that he will stay and do the same.
I’ve been pretty down since Sunday, which was such a great day… probably because after being able to escape reality for a little while, everything sunk in a bit deeper. Hopefully I can get out of this slump I’m in.