A bad day

Guys, I know I’m the light at the end of the tunnel kind of blogger. I always try to find joy in the shit storm, but why the absolute F Is this so difficult?!

H and I have good days, and we have bad days…but the more I really think about it, I feel like my attitude is the only reason we have good days. If it weren’t for my upbeat “I’m not going to let this drag me down” attitude, I feel like it would be silent in my house, apart from the screaming 4 month old…damn you sleep regression!

H is very quiet… before d-day, he had quiet days, but not like this. He is so distant so often… and when I bring it up he just says “I’m tired”. I know he is tired… even though he isn’t the one that gets up multiple times in the night to tend to our child. I’m assuming his “depression” has a lot to do with his feeling of exhaustion…. am I selfish to feel like he shouldn’t get to be depressed? I should be the sad one, yet I’m still here, bringing life into our very dead house.

I just want to come home to a silly husband and laugh until we fall asleep like we used to… is that so hard to ask? We literally have always been able to just have so much fun together… and now it feels like it’ll never get to that point again.

I’m doing what I need to do to be better for my husband, and I’m making the changes pretty quickly and it’s evident. I no longer shut down, I say what’s on my mind right away, but H is still having a hard time with everything. I just want him to get over it…. JUST GET OVER IT! It happened. It’s done. Let’s just move the fuck on! I’m ready, so why isn’t he?

I brought it up to him last night, and brought up how I felt that he used his phone to block me out… he got frustrated that I brought up his phone use yet again…. why can’t he understand that his phone is a trigger, and sets my stomach in knots?! His phone was the way he communicated her the whore… it’s my worst enemy. We ended on a good note, I said the way he reacts to what I tell him makes me not want to talk to him. I told him i feel alone a lot and that I just want him to want to talk to me. I don’t even care what we talk about, I just want to talk! It can be about work, or a TV show or our daughter. I don’t care if we never talk about the affair again, apart from in therapy, I just want to TALK.

I don’t know guys…. it’s only been a couple month’s, so I know I’m pretty new and everything is fresh, but I’m ready to get over this huge hump and move on. I want to be able to talk about our future together, but I feel so stuck in the past.

I guess ill just have to sit back and continue watching this shit storm…. meanwhile I’m going to focus on my own happiness. I need to feel happy… I think it’ll get better? Who knows. My life is not my own anymore.

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4 thoughts on “A bad day

  1. I am still trying to read back your old posts, but I gather that the D Day has just happened.

    Sweetie, these days are going to be brutal, and believe me, you will realize after a while that your brain is pretty fogged.

    PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don’t try hastily to move on. You move on at a speed that is organically possible for you. He cheated, you did not.

    And yes, please do keep the line open on him and let him know what triggers you and how.

    Be kind. Your daughter is very young.

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    1. Day was at the end of November, so VERY new.
      These days HAVE BEEN brutal. And have taken a lot out of me. It’s hard… having a new baby while going through all of this. its scary, and probably one of the reasons I want to move on… I want to be mentally there for her. I want to make sure she is provided for, and right now I just have no idea what my future holds, and it scares me BECAUSE I have a baby. It’s all very confusing and very hard on a new mother…

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      1. I understand. I truly do.

        I am financially independent, and usually hard on taking bullshit, and yet, after what I am experiencing, I chose to not fly out the door.

        I want you to take it one day at a time. I want you to trust him, but keep all your five senses open. Are your working? I want you to have your own savings, separate from him, even if it is a tiny bit, but do it. Also, please keep the line of communication very open.

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      2. I work and make a decent income, but we live in comfort because of his income. He makes significantly more than I do. We have a hefty savings, so I’m not concerned about money really. It’s just everything else… as I’ve said… your mind is your own worst enemy when you’re going through this. Thanks for the tips, I really appreciate them! ❤

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