Guys, I know I’m the light at the end of the tunnel kind of blogger. I always try to find joy in the shit storm, but why the absolute F Is this so difficult?!
H and I have good days, and we have bad days…but the more I really think about it, I feel like my attitude is the only reason we have good days. If it weren’t for my upbeat “I’m not going to let this drag me down” attitude, I feel like it would be silent in my house, apart from the screaming 4 month old…damn you sleep regression!
H is very quiet… before d-day, he had quiet days, but not like this. He is so distant so often… and when I bring it up he just says “I’m tired”. I know he is tired… even though he isn’t the one that gets up multiple times in the night to tend to our child. I’m assuming his “depression” has a lot to do with his feeling of exhaustion…. am I selfish to feel like he shouldn’t get to be depressed? I should be the sad one, yet I’m still here, bringing life into our very dead house.
I just want to come home to a silly husband and laugh until we fall asleep like we used to… is that so hard to ask? We literally have always been able to just have so much fun together… and now it feels like it’ll never get to that point again.
I’m doing what I need to do to be better for my husband, and I’m making the changes pretty quickly and it’s evident. I no longer shut down, I say what’s on my mind right away, but H is still having a hard time with everything. I just want him to get over it…. JUST GET OVER IT! It happened. It’s done. Let’s just move the fuck on! I’m ready, so why isn’t he?
I brought it up to him last night, and brought up how I felt that he used his phone to block me out… he got frustrated that I brought up his phone use yet again…. why can’t he understand that his phone is a trigger, and sets my stomach in knots?! His phone was the way he communicated her the whore… it’s my worst enemy. We ended on a good note, I said the way he reacts to what I tell him makes me not want to talk to him. I told him i feel alone a lot and that I just want him to want to talk to me. I don’t even care what we talk about, I just want to talk! It can be about work, or a TV show or our daughter. I don’t care if we never talk about the affair again, apart from in therapy, I just want to TALK.
I don’t know guys…. it’s only been a couple month’s, so I know I’m pretty new and everything is fresh, but I’m ready to get over this huge hump and move on. I want to be able to talk about our future together, but I feel so stuck in the past.
I guess ill just have to sit back and continue watching this shit storm…. meanwhile I’m going to focus on my own happiness. I need to feel happy… I think it’ll get better? Who knows. My life is not my own anymore.