I have heard this this several times in the last few weeks. Since H has become super emotional… every time he cries I ask if I said something to cause him to cry, and every time I hear, “it’s not always about you”. But why do I feel like it is? I feel like I do or say something wrong every day. I try so damn hard to make him want to be with me, and I think he does…. but then I say something that seems to set him off. At this point I just don’t know what I can and can’t do or say.
A few nights ago H and I had a date night. We dropped off our daughter at my parents and drove to the theater. I was feeling down that day, and he wanted to know why. I started talking, and explaining how I felt. He started crying, and I asked if it was something i said and H snapped a bit… and again told me ” it’s not always about you, I’m just sad”. I told him it was unnecessary to snap at me. That in order for me to get through my feelings, I need him to be supportive. He seems to have really taken that to heart. Date night went pretty well after that.
Yesterday I was feeling the need to be intimate with H. The sex right after finding out was good, and more frequent than normal… however the last 3 weeks we haven’t so much as talked about it. Ever since things started to set in with H, that is. But yesterday more than ever, I felt the need to be intimate… I worked up the courage to entice him into the bedroom, and when I got him there he just broke down and said he couldn’t do it. He kept apologizing, and saying it wasn’t me, but it sure felt like it was. It was such an ego killer. And I’m all too familiar with this ego killer. Since I’ve always been the one with the higher sex drive, this is nothing new to me, but it still stings the same…. and honestly a little more. So I asked him, if it wasn’t me then what was it that made it impossible to be intimate with me? His response…. “the more I realize how good to me you are, the more I feel like I don’t deserve you” he went on to say that he hated that he hurt me so bad and he damaged our family. Finally, the words I’ve been wanting to hear. As much as I want to get back to normal, it feels good that he finally gets it. He doesn’t deserve me, not the person he was when he was cheating on me. And he did destroy our family. He destroyed the person I was, and has forever changed the course of our lives. But the thing is, it wasn’t him. That person who shut himself off, put up walls so he didn’t have to feel bad when he did it, the person who stopped caring about the fact he was hurting me, that is not him. The man I married was the most loving, caring, honest, and loyal man I’d ever met. He met me at a time in my life where I decided I didn’t want to be with anyone, ever, and changed all that by showing me what being loved felt like. He taught me love and made me believe in a happily ever after.
So back to the not being able to be intimate…. I told him that it makes me feel good to have sex, it makes me feel like I’m close to him and it makes me feel good about myself when he wants it. He kept crying… I was able to talk him into letting me touch him, but he looked ashamed. I don’t want him to feel ashamed. If only he knew how much I fantasize about him all the time… about him just pushing me on the bed and making me forget everything if only for an hour, how I want that so bad. But, I went to bed without him even touching me. How do people do this? How do people not have sex? 3 weeks has been so incredibly hard… can I last any longer? Why does my husband have to look so good all the damn time?
Also, we are planning a trip in may. It makes me feel more confident about our future. It makes me feel normal, slightly. And the need to feel normal is so intense right now. I just wish I could look into my future and know what’s in store. I want to know that H and I will be stronger than ever 1, 2, 3 years from now. The question about our future is difficult on me… but we planned a trip to Vegas with some friends, so atleast I have that to hold on to.
Tonight is our individual therapy sessions. Hopefully we both come out feeling a little better about the perspective of the future we have together.
It seems like progress is happening, though sometimes it’s like walking uphill in sand. I’m happy for every time we make progress, and hopeful when we don’t. It’s worth putting in the hard work, but it’s not easy…