If you want it bad enough…

Did anyone else hear this growing up?… “if you want it bad enough, you will find a way to make it happen”… how badly I want this to be true. I mean… before d-day, my marriage, to me, was so special, so rare and so perfect. We used to say to each other “the stars must have aligned the night we met”. Is that still true? Will it ever be true again? Well, I want it bad enough, so hopefully I can find a way to make it happen.

I often wake up hoping this has all been a horrible nightmare. I will sit in bed and literally will all of it to be a nightmare…. but then I realize it’s all real. It’s my life now, my reality. I have to get up, change and feed my newborn and then chug along through my day as if nothing happened.

I have to say, SOME good has come from this whole shit show… if you can call it good…

1. Weight loss is rapid when the thought of food makes you Ill. I eat to make sure my baby gets nourished, but at times I wonder if I can even do that. This is much appreciated after a pregnancy… especially when you gained way too much weight. 3.5 months after baby and I’m almost to my pre-baby weight.

2. I have never been more mentally strong in my life. I mean toy have to be, especially when you have a new baby. It is such a difficult thing to deal with, but once you have, you realize that you can get through anything.

3. You have a better grasp on reality. During the time your SO was having the affair, you must have been in some sort of fairytale world. I mean…. we married these people, we claimed to have known them inside and out, but they still got away with it for months, or in some cases years of infidelity. It really makes a person wake up and smell the fucking coffee…. and the coffee is burnt, and really fucking bitter.

4. We know we don’t NEED the other person in our life. I mean really I know we’ve all imagined life without them. And really… even if you don’t want that… you know you can do it. Because you’re really fucking strong now and you can do anything.

5. You see things for what they really are. I don’t know about you, but if I had an argument with H, that’s all it was… but oh how I was wrong! Fights apparently gave reason enough to cheat. The fights I have with H in the future will.be followed up with digging. Because let’s be real… the trust is never going to come back 100%.. Fuck that, I hope it doesn’t. I want to be on my toes at all times. This sista ain’t gonna play no games.

6. You become the person YOU want to be and stop living for your SO. Before d-day, I lived to make him happy. If he didn’t want to do something, we wouldn’t. And if he did want to do something, we would. I mean I was seriously the best mother fucking wife ever. Not anymore. I live for me now. I do what I want and I think how I want. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to make him happy, because I do…. some days. But on the days that I don’t, I’m not going to. I am numero uno from now on…. after my baby, that is!

7. You make yourself look sexy. No? Just me? Idk about you guys, but all of this has got me off my ass and made me do my hair and makeup and start wearing things that show my curves. I want to go out with H and I want him to notice how every guy in the room looks at me like a fucking sex god. Because dammit, that is what I am.

For now I’m going to just keep my hopes up that one day I will wake up and I’ll look outside, see the sun shining down on our beautiful back yard, hear my daughter laughing and babaling to herself as my husband walks into our bedroom with a smile on his face, and I smile back at him… no thoughts about the dirty A word in my head. Just living in the moment.

It takes time… right? That’s what I hear…. one can hope…

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “If you want it bad enough…

  1. I just started reading your blogs and I cant believe how much I can relate like this almost sounds like what has happened to me, a few detail changes of coarse; however, I have been reading through your blogs for almost an hour now and I’m hooked on how emotionally connected I am to them!!!!
    P.S. I’m always ok for some conversation
    -21 yr young mom/wife with more bumps in life than expected

    Like

    1. Christina, my heart hurts so much for you! 21 years old and already going through this? I thought 26 was bad enough! There is nothing that anyone can say to you to make it better, but I’m so glad that I can help you in this hard time. I know being able to relate to someone helps me. Seriously if you need a listening ear, I am always here, as I know how important it is to talk! I’d love tof know your story.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s