The whole story

About 2 years ago I started talking to my husband about being ready to start trying for a baby. We had always talked about having kids, and though he wanted kids, he didn’t feel that he would ever be ready for that hem. I, on the other hand, wanted to be a young mother so that I could not only have the energy, but the support from MY young parents to watch our kids while we did stuff. I thought being a young parent was the best option for our lifestyle. My husband wasn’t convinced, and after he and I debates and argued he gave in. I completely agree that it was the worst way to decide something, but my super hormonal brain wanted a baby so bad that I didn’t care.

When I decide to do something, I give it my all. So every month while I was ovulating, I would let my husband know and we would have intercourse. Most of the time he couldn’t finish, and I started getting worried and upset and hurt that not only he wasn’t attracted to me, but maybe he had a hormone imbalance. He had never been super interested in sex, but it became less and less. I’d get hurt by him not being able to finish, and I apparently said some hurtful things. I don’t recall, but again, I was very focused on my end goal.

My husband and I got into a fight about 6 months in to trying, and we decided to stop trying for a baby. He was very unhappy with the way I went about trying for a baby and he was tired of it. The month after we stopped trying, I got pregnant. My husband was slightly involved in the pregnancy, but not as involved as I would have liked. I became depressed because his lack of enthusiasm, and gained about 50lbs instead of the recommended 15. We never really fought, but I was always sad around him because he didn’t ever give me much attention. I was cooking and cleaning up until the day I gave birth, there was very little help on his part.

Fast forward to me giving birth, he was great, he was there and he was my greatest supporter. I truly appreciated him. When our LO was 1 month old I felt something was off with him, so I snooped on his phone and found that he was talking to a female coworker. I didn’t see many of the messages, but he swore up and down that they were just friends. It was devastating to me, but he promised he would end it, as I felt it was inappropriate to be so close to a female. Fast forward another 1 month, he was going on a work trip and the night he left, I still felt things weren’t right. I went snooping and found emails from her and to her. There were a couple pictures where he had his shirt off, and a few pictures from her, one of which she was in her underwear and a sweatshirt.

I was devestated. My husband had been lying to me for so long, and it hurt so bad. I called him until he picked up, and while he said he was sleeping, he was actually out with a few people from work, one of which was the other woman (who he swore wouldn’t be there). I was so mad, sad, depressed, and pretty much any other horrible feeling you can feel.

He promised he didn’t know she would be there until the day before and that they never were going to do anything…. but who knows. He was very distant for the 2 weeks he was gone and I was just trying to hold my life together with a 2 month old. It was not easy. When he came home, he told me he was thinking about leaving because he couldn’t live with himself for what he had done. I fought so hard to make him reconsider, and he talked for about 8 hours straight the first day he was home about what had been going on. As bad as it hurt, I NEEDED to know everything. They had only talked online and had never had sex or met in person, other than at work. I trusted this to be true, and still do. I wanted to do therapy, but he wanted to work on it together without therapy. I wasn’t going to force therapy, it had to be his decision. The part that hurt most was that she was pregnant…. and my pregnancy was the reason he did this in the first place. And I haven’t mentioned the fact that she was also married.

About 2 weeks ago my husband, after things had started getting back to normal,  or as normal as things can get after such an event. All the sudden he just started crying, like inconsolable crying. I didn’t understsnd, but as he explained it, things finally caught up with him after the holidays finally passed. He is clingy and distant all at the same time. He finally decided he needed therapy, as did WE, as a couple, to figure out how to communicate more efficiently and get over the emotional damage I had caused from trying to have a baby and the damage he had caused me from the affair.

We have been working on us, and have recently started a therapy program that is a mix of couple and individual therapy. I catch him crying a lot still, and the other night I woke up to him touching my body, crying. I’m not sure why, but I’m trying to let him go through this phase, as I think it’s important in the healing process.

This isn’t easy, but ithe feels like it will be worth it in the end. We can only hope, right? I guess I’ll figure that out eventually.

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