The fire, how it burns

Fire. I felt like I was on fire. I actually felt it in my veins. That night, the second night of his work trip, I just felt like something wasn’t right  (again). I started snooping, signing in to apps on my phone with his info… one app sent him an email that I didn’t want him to see, I didn’t want him to know I was snooping. We knew each other passwords to everything,  so I logged into his email. And there it was. The actual BOMB that was just thrown into my life. The emails, how they have burned into my brain. Her words, how they actually caused fire to course through my veins. The pictures that will not leave me alone. Why? Why is this happening after he told me they were just friends? How didn’t I know sooner? Did I know and just not want to deal with it? Did he fall out of love with me? We had just had a baby… and I had never felt more alone. So I called… he was supposed to be sleeping, but I knew he wasn’t at that point. As many times as I’d asked if she would be on the work trip and he said no, I knew it was a lie. And when he answered, the fake confusion he tried to portray was weak. He knew I knew, and then he gave up “I know” in the most sheepish voice he could muster. There it was again, the actual fire coursing through my veins. “Fuck you, I hate you, go die, jump off a cliff” is what I really wanted to say, but instead… I could only ask “why?” “What did I do?” “What does this mean for us?” Because as much as I hated what he had done to me, to us and to our family, I couldn’t hate him. I hated his actions, I hated what he had caused, but I loved him deeper than any wound could go. So I fought. The two weeks he was gone were tourcher for me, and it seemed as though he had no remorse. Was my marriage over? It wasn’t up to me, and that killed me. It actually made my skin hurt. You think you know the pain of heartbreak, but I’m not sure anyone who hasn’t gone through a similar ordeal actually knows this kind of heart crushing, mind-wrenching heartache. It’s so deep, it’s so  palpable, so real. And to feel that grief and loss with a new born is so incredibly mind altering. You don’t get the option to give up. You have to keep moving forward while you feel the world crumbling underneath you. You have to be stronger than you’ve ever been before, because that’s what your baby deserves.

 

So here I am, being strong for myself, my baby and my marriage. It’s not easy, it’s not fun, but if you believe your marriage is worth saving, I think it’s worth it… right? Only time will tell…

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